EFTA02056270.pdf

To: From: Jackie Martling Sent: Tue 3/22/2016 4:41:55 PM Subject: see Jackie! Boca, Staten Island, Long Island An old Southern guy's got a pond on his farm. One day he hears giggling and splashing, so he grabs a pail and heads for the pond. When he gets there, there's three girls skinny dipping. When they see him, they swim to the far and of the pond. One of the girls says, "We're not climbing out of here buck naked with you standing there." The farmer says, "I ain't here to see you gals naked. I'm here to feed the alligator." ******* 8pm this Friday & Saturday, March 25-26th Boca Black Box Comedy Club 8221 Glades Rd. Boca Raton, Florida (561) 483-9036 bocablackbox.com ******* all show info on jokeland.com ** * fantastic podcast with Gilbert Gottfried & Frank Santopadre Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast www.eilbertoodcast.corn/lackie-martling ******* check us out! Ian "McKean" Karr & the great Mark Hudson & me have started a podcast "Jackie's Joke Hunt" ... please join us! AAA% .connectnal.com/iackiesiokehunt EFTA_R1_00598438 EFTA02056270  and, I did Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast and me & Gilbert & his sidekick Frank Santopadre how led for nine") minutes ... be sure to catch it I'll be in Las Vegas on April 23rd for the 24/7 Comedy Festival at Orleans Arena with my pal Bobby Slayton and many, many more! what a great reason to hit Las Vegas! when's the last time you "Used Your Finger" and dialed (516) 922-WINE ?! still going, 37years later ... [ 516-922-9463 ] please spread the word about this silly list. Jackie Two guys are in a doctor's waiting room. The first guy says, "Why're you here?" The second guy says, "Endoscopy. He's going down my throat with a camera. Why're you here?" The first guy says, "Camera up the ass." The second guy says, "Oh, a colonoscopy?" The first guy says, "No, my wife caught me taking pictures of the neighbor girl sunbathing naked." please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... (lJackieMartling A married couple goes to the same Chinese restaurant every Sunday for thirty years. Every time they walk in the owner says, "Iferro! You myfavorite couple. You made for each other. Last so rong. You meant to be!" EFTA_R1_00598439 EFTA02056271 One Sunday the guy walks in alone. The Chinese guy says, "Whah hoppen?" The guy says, "We got a divorce." The Chinese guy says, "Oh, you much-a betta off now." What's black and white and smells like shit? A nun who justforted. 8pm this Friday & Saturday, March 25-26th Boca Black Box Comedy Club 8221 Glades Rd. Boca Raton, Florida (561) 483-9036 bocablackbox.com ******* 8pm Friday, April 8th appearing with comedy legend Gilbert Gottfried St. George Theatre 35 Hyatt Street Staten Island, New York (732) 682-5277 www.steeoreetheatre.com ******* 8pm Wednesday, April 13th "The 360 Bar" Parx Casino 2999 Street Rd. Bensalem, Pennsylvania 1-888-LUV PARX www.parxcasino.com EFTA R1_00598440 EFTA02056272  ******* 7:30pm Saturday. April 23rd i I I ea rt Radio 24/7 Comedy Fest "the Orleans Arena 4500 West Tropicana Avenue Las Vegas, Nevada (702) 284-7777 1-888-234-2334 orleansarena.com 9pm Friday, April 29th JJ Comedy Celine's Bistro 87 Route 23 North Wantage, New Jersey 1-866-552-6633 htto://iicomedv.com ******* 8pm Saturday, April 30th JJ Comedy Best Western Plus Reeencv House Hotel 140 State Route 23 North Pompton Plains, New Jersey 1-866-552-6633 http://iicomedv.com 7pm Saturday, June 4th The Brokerage Comedy Club 2792 Merrick Road Bellmore, Long Island NY (516) 785-8655 brokeraee.eovs.com *444444 EFT&R1_00598441 EFTA02056273  Last night I was at the worst restaurant on the planet. I ordered the Chefs Salad, and they brought me the one he was eating. ******* Two guys and their wives are away for the weekend and the guys decide to try to persuade their wives to swap for the night. And they agree if they pull it off, the next morning at breakfast they'll tap their spoon on their coffee mug the number of times they did it. After a bunch of drinks the women agree, and the first guy smiles to himself because he knows it's his wife's time of the month. The next morning they're at the breakfast table and the first guy taps his spoon on his mug three times. The second guy taps his spoon once on the strawberry jam and three times on the Nutella. ***** Why don't elephants use Tampons? You wouldn't use them, either, ifyou had to put them in with your nose. ***** Two good or boys're hunting in Alabama when one of them grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy pulls out his cell phone, dials 911, and says, "Operator, my friend is dead. What can I do?" The operator says, "Just take it easy, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." The 911 operator hears silence, and then she hears a gun shot. The guy comes back on the line and says, "Okay, now what?" Meganck's got a big, fat wife. She gets out of the shower, sits on the pot and gets stuck. So he calls the plumber. Then he realizes she's sifting there naked. He can't have that, so he takes his bowler derby and puts it on her lap to cover up home base. The plumber shows up, takes one look, and he says, "Well, Mac, I think I can save your wife, but the guy in the hat's a goner." EFTA_R1_00598442 EFTA02056274  ***** Special! download all six of my wild dirty jokes Oglio CD's only $20! plus! ... you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song" ! Jackie's 6 CD Snecial Ireland's never been known for its swimming, but one day the Irish Parliament decides they're going to assemble a swim team for the next Olympics. They put an ad in the paper, "Swimmers Wanted For The Irish Swim Team." One day there's a knock on the door at the fieldhouse, the swim team captain opens it, and there's a guy with no legs. The captain says, "Can I help you, lad?" The guy says, "I'm here to try out for the swim team." The captain says, "But you've no legs." The guy says, "But I can swim, mate. Toss me in the pool." The captain tosses him in the pool and the legless guy zooms! from one end of the pool to the other. The captain says, "Well, but you're in." The next day there's a knock on the door, the captain opens it, and there's a guy with no arms and no legs. The captain says, "What is it you want, son??" The guy says, "I'm here to try out for the swim team." The captain says, "But you've no arms and no legs." The guy says, "Never mind that. You must see me swim." The swim captain tosses him in the pool and the guy with no arms and no legs quickly wiggles his way from one end of the pool to the other. The swim captain says, "I can't believe it. We can use you." The next day there's a knock on the door, the captain opens it, and there's a head. No body, just a head. The swim captain says, "Can I help you?" The head says, "I'm here to try out for the swim team" The swim captain says, "But ... but you're a head Just a bloody head." The head says, "Yes, that's true ... but I can swim like a fish. Please toss me in the pool." The captain tosses the head in the pool and the head sinks like a stone. The captain jumps in, brings the head up and puts it on a chair. EFTA_R1_00598443 EFTA02056275  The head coughs up some water, and then says, "A hell of a time to get a cramp, eh?" What interrogation method do gay detectives use? Good cock, had cock. yep, it's The JokeLand E-Mail List! free yuks! please tell everybody you know!free jokes! free jokes! ._ by just e-mailing me, [email protected] ******* A ninety-five year-old guy says, "Doc, my twenty-two year old wife is pregnant. I can't believe it." The doctor says, "I want to tell you a story. A guy goes hunting, but on the way out, he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. When a bear comes charging out of the woods, he picks up his umbrella, shoots the bear and kills it." The old guy says, "That's impossible. Somebody else must have shot that bear." The doctor says, "Bingo." ******** What should you do if your wife complains you know nothing about women? Kick her in the balls. ******** The lover's in bed with the wife, when her husband comes home unexpectedly for lunch, so he jumps in the closet. He hears, "It's dark in here," he looks down and there's a little kid. The kid says, "Hey, mister, you better give me twenty-five bucks, or I'm gonna scream out and my old man'll come in here and beat you up." So he gives the kid twenty-five bucks. On Sunday, the kid goes into the confessional at church, and he says, "It's dark in here." EFTA_R1_00598444 EFTA02056276  The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again." ******* The World's Best Gifts! they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio joke CD's ... hard copies or downloads! The Joke Man, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?, F. Jackie & snart are available on Amazon, iTunes ( snarl is on sale! ), and at Oglio.com ********* Moses comes down the mountain and says, "Well, gang, the good news is I've got him down to ten. The bad news is adultery is still one of them." ******** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST (iiJackieNlartlitig ********* Rosegarten says, "Doc, you gotta cure me of smoking. I'm smoking ten cigars a day." The doctor says, "That's easy. Before you smoke a cigar, stick it far up your ass." Two weeks later, Rosegarten walks back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "Did it cure you of smoking?" Rosegarten says, "Yeah. Now all you have to do is cure me of sticking cigars far up my ass." ********* ... and huge thanks to Phil Iazetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy click to listen! he plays me a-plenty ... EFTA_R1_00598445 EFTA02056277  ******* A lion's fucking a zebra when he sees his lioness coming up the hill. The lion says to the zebra, "Quick, pretend Pm killing you." ******** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... aJackieMartling ******* to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotify app and type in "Jackie Martling"... ******** Two farmhands go back to the sheep pen behind the barn for a little romance. The first guy's holding a sheep's head and the second guy's fucking the hell out of her when she sticks her tongue out. The first guy says, "Jesus, man, your dick's coming out her mouth." The second guy says, "Then stick on another sheep." ******** the $2.95 Guys are the official supplier of all JokeLand tees PikCARDS are the greatest! terrific ads for your band! please take a look! Ns N, .nikcard.com for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! dial (516) 922-WINE ! free jokes for The Universe since 1979... simply dial (516) 922-9463 ... ... not a pay service, just a regular call ... 36 years of free jokes! EFTA_R1_00598446 EFTA02056278  Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke-filled room. The Chief looks in and says, "What the hell's going on?" Bates says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation." The Chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to- mouth resuscitation." Bates says, "I did, Chief That's how this shit got started." A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food." ** ***** for the kids: Why do giraffes have such long necks? Because they have smellyfeet. What are twins' favorite food? Pears. Why'd Melvin cut a hole into his umbrella? So he couldsee if it was raining. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. How can you tell if there's an elephant under your bed? Your nose is touching thr ceiling. Why was the ghost wearing a Band-Aid? Because he had a boo! boo! Why do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper water snakes them sneeze. END of KIDS' SECTION EFTA R1_00598447 EFTA02056279  A college kid says to his friend, "I fucked my roommate in the ass last night." His friend says, "No shit?" He says, "A little." ******* What should you do if your sister-in-law sits on your glasses and breaks them? Next time remember to take them of first. ******* A girl has to do a High School report on Indians, so she goes to the Fukowie Reservation. After she's been there a while, she says to one of the braves, "Is there any significance to the amount of feathers in your headdress?" The Indian says, "Absum-lutely ... me got-um one feather, 'cause me have-um one squaw." She asks another brave, and he says, "Me have-um four squaws, so me have- umfour feathers." She's still not convinced, so she asks the Chief, who's got a huge headdress full of feathers. He says, "Me have-um heap big headdress, 'cause me have-um many squaws ... big, tall, fat, small, me fuck 'em all." She says, "You should be hung." He says, "Damn right me hung ... hung like buffalo." She says, "You don't have to be hostile." He says, "Hoss-style, wolf-style, dog-style, any style, me fuck 'em all." She says, "Oh, dear ..." He says, "No fuck-um deer ... hole too high, run too fast, no fuck-um deer." *4444 What's a Malibu housewife wear to her husband's fimeral? Her black tennis dress. ***** A seventy-five year old guy's in the same nursing home as his ninety-seven year-old mother, it's her birthday, and he hasn't got a gift for her. EFTA_R1_00598448 EFTA02056280  Being a thoughtful son, he goes into her room and says, "Mom, I got no present for you, so to celebrate your birthday, why don't we fuck?" And she agrees, because it helps the joke. They get naked, they climb on the bed, and they get to it. After a few minutes of huffing and puffing, the old girl starts shining like mad all over the bed. He says, "Jesus Christ, Ma, what's going on?" She says, "W-well, I-I'm way too old to have an orgasm, and I love you s-so much, I-I wanted to do something t-to show you how much I was enjoying myself." ***** What do you get when you cross a squirrel with a human? I have no idea, they keep popping when Ifuck them. ***** An old guy walks into the living room and ihe's standing behind the chair where his wife's sifting watching television. He says, "Hey, you miserable old twat, I stopped and got batteries for your hearing aid." She says, "I walked down and got them this morning." pleasefollow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling ******* www.iokeland.com for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-six years of free jokes! and dial (516) 922-WINE ... (516) 922-9463 not a pay service, just a local call... ****** When's the worst time to drink diarrhea? Any time. EFTA_R1_00598449 EFTA02056281  I hope you enjoyed this month's jokes ... ifyou didn't, l hope the next time you slide down a bannister it turns into a razor blade ... ****** You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please reply to this e-mail with the word "unlist" in the subject line. thanks, a JokeLand E-Mail JokeLand Inc. Box 58 Bayville, NY 11709 USA EFTA_R1_00598450 EFTA02056282