📄 Extracted Text (18,208 words)
THE FIRST
FIFTY YEARS
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CONTENTS
PROLOGUE Ghislaine Maxwell
FAMILY Paula
Seymour
BROOKLYN
Warren Eisenstein
Neutral
Terry Kafka
Michael Buchholtz
Dr Stephen Levy
GIRLFRIENDS
CHILDREN
FRIENDS Ron Altbach
ae- a
Bill Clinton
Alan Dershowitz
Bill Elkus
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Bran Ferren
Henry Jarecki
Nick Leese
Peter Mandelson
George Mitchel
Nathan Myhrvold
Joel Pashcow
Jo Pagano
Alberto Pinto
Stuart Pivar
Donald Trump
sley Wexner
Mort Zuckerman
Unknown
SCIENCE Gerry Edelman
Murray Gellman
Steve Kosslyn
Martin Nowak
Lee Smolin
GIRL- FRIENDS
SPECIAL ASSISTANTS
BUISNESS Ace Greenberg
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Jimmy Cayne
Ted Serure
Elliot Wolk
Ira Zicherman
THE NEXT 50 YEARS
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Gretitivate af Wirth :
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cuB sCcouT GRADUATION
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PIANO Re ACCORDION
def Epstein
PHONE (212) ES 3-2262
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ROOKLYN
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HOW I REMEMBER JFIPREY
Z
JEFFREY WAS BORW AVERAGE IN ST E EYES
A DAZELING SMILG , LAUGHING BLU
IUMATICIAN
Tae BIND OF A TRULY GREAT MAT CRIPETON
70 we) BE TS SOMBONS BEYOND ALL DES
MY CONIRERUTIOY, a SIMPLELITTOL
TLE BOY
FOR SUCH AN OUTSTANDING
OF NOTS, SCREWS & BOLTS
BeAte MBLED THE THOUNSAND OUNDING RESULTS
: AW EMPIRE WITH AST
FORGET
THE MEMORY TL SHALL NEVER
CTOR SHT.
TP ALL STARTED WITH AN ERE
LOVE YOU FOREVER
FRAN
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2 CENTS
NQUAGENARY EDITION No GUARANTEES
ABSOLUTELY NO CIRCULATION
THE
SEA GATE
CHRONICLE
threatened to withhold his
Accordion treasured Nathan’s lobster salad,
if he refused to perform
Torture perfectly. He performed once
again, and was treated to a one-
pound container of his favorite
By Robert Wolfe delicacy.
Sea Gate Gazette
A Sea Gate boy was forced by
his mother to play “Flight of the
Bumble bee” and “Saber Dance”
on his squeeze box, 100 times a
day for 5 years. By the time the
lad became proficient, he was Seafood Diet??
able to play the tunes 100 times
in 10 minutes. Firemen from the By Bubbles Axelrod
318 Hook and Ladder Division
Coney Island Gourmet
were always called in for his
daily recital, in order to douse the Coney Island Health officials
flames if the boy’s fingers caught reported today, that a boy
fire from his dervish-like survived the first 13 years of his
playing. life eating only Nathan’s Lobster
‘Months later, the musical Salad and drinking Sunny Boy
jad’s mom, again forced the boy Orange drinks. His mother
against his will, to perforin the (cont’d pg. 2, column 1)
two pieces at Carnegie Hall in
front of thousands attending. She
el
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throwing a fit and clamming, as
specifically went to the beach to
it scared the schoo! of whitefish
buy the Sunny Boys complete
off. All beaches are flying a
with conical wax coated Coney Island Whitefish warning
containers and the metal ring at
flag for the remainder of the
the mouth. She claimed the swimming season.
metal ring gave her son bigger
ips for playing saxophone and
bassoon, and the lobster salad,
she believed would make her son
agenius, The mother was
committed to an insane asylum in
Florida, and the boy believes he
has 2 jets, an island, a ranch,
Nickel Artist
mansions and a sexy English
socialite girlfriend.
Arrested
After the boy was taken into
custody by officials and fed lox,
By Lillian Fisher
Handicap Times Magazine
bagels and cream cheese, the
hallucinations disappeared. He
was given a ¥%4 length black
leather coat and returned to his Coney Island’s Melvin
daily activities of providing free Fromholder was best known as
ice cream and candy to his “Mad Mel” the nickel carver.
friends (courtesy of Jack’s Mel had the uncanny ability to
Firestone funcheonette). cut everything offabuffalo
cee nickel, leaving only the buffalo
and the “ring” surrounding it.
Customers would travel from all
5 boroughs and wait months to
buy one of the hard-to-get coins.
A local wisecracker named
‘Larry-John Streitman, tried to
pump Mel for information on
Beach Attack how to mass-produce these coins.
Fromholder was insulted and
became enraged. Mad Mel lived
By Lawrence Dyck up to his name when he stabbed
er
Sea Gate Observ
Streitman in the “Stomach and
the Leg” 10 times. Ironically,
Streitman was wearing a cheap
Lloyd Bridges “Human Fish”, copy of Mel’s original “No
a water monger, and a local t- Hassle Band” on his wrist when
shirt clad Hippo were attacked by he was attacked. “Ifit wasn’t for
a school of deadly Coney Island the “No Hassle Band”, said
Whitefish. The attack occurred Streitman, “1 woulda been
last Saturday just off the Sea dead”.
Gate Cabanas at Beach One. The Fromholder is doing hard
enraged Hippo then clammed time, and can’t fill customer’s
indiscriminately, and repeatedly orders for the nickels because
on the chests and faces of the officials refused to let Mel have
other victims. The “Human his tools, You'd better get in
Fish”, and the water monger also linc; Mad Mel’s in for 5 years
reported a curious yellow warmth and he’s got 5125 orders for the
in the seawater when they came prized buffalo nickels.
close to the Hippo. The
swimmers thanked the Hippo for
HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_000038
| | Upon release, the elder
Europe om brother commented, “screw it,
next time we'll take it to the
a Budget grease monkey”,
By Yehudah Leibig
Sons of Israel Travel Guide
‘Two Sea Gate teens claim to
have started out with $500 each,
and managed to travel Europe for
2 months. The boys hitch-hiked, Hunchback
wandered and adventured
through Europe while their stupid Dies
friend served hamburgers and
french fries at Nathan’s, The two
returned with long hair, suntans By Not so Lucky Luckfeid
and 2 brand new Triumph Tiger Firecracker Chronicle
500 Motorcycles, they even had
change to boot. One of the two
Robert Avner, Coney Island’s
actually lost 40 pounds, because
only fiving hunchback died last
‘of the serious lobster shortage in
Europe. week of an infected hunch.
Observers witnessed Avner
el screaming at his friends for help
with his itching back. “Scratch
like a bitch, scratch like a bitch”
he pleaded, but it was too late;
no one would scratch the infected
hunch. Avner died of whiplash
Dirt Brothers from repeatedly turning his head
to far left and far right during his
Arrested Jast minutes.
By Richard Freed
‘Tutoring Are Us Magazine
Teen Bitten
Once again, the infamous
Dirt Brothers” were seen on Sea
Gate Avenue illegally dumping By Mrs, Shmolowitz
drain oil from their “Lemon” ‘Woolworth Newsletter
Camaro. Sgt. Gino “Gene”
‘Venezia arrested the two
brothers. Judge Phil Russick
A Sea Gate teenager (name
found the Dirt Brothers guilty
witbheld) was viciously bitten on
and sentenced them to 48 hrs.
the neck by crazed Steve
confinement with Bobby Wolfe,
Jankowitz, The bitten youth was
Larry Dick, Dicky Friedman, found crying after witness
Donnie Di rald
and! “Count Hymie” recounted the
Bullab,
(cont'd. pg. 4, column 1)
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gruesome details. Sea Gate cops
were unable to capture the
foaming-mad Jankowitz, which
resulted in the victim being
forced to have 29 injections in
the stomach. A Bite Alert has
been announced and posted on
the Sea Gate Chapel Bulletin
Board. Dermatologis
Fights Fire
By Robert Ardigo
Pizza Face Pages
Pizza Man
World renowned Pimple
Goes Berserk! Expert Dr. Shin Ho Yep claims
the secret to a great complexion
is in his secret formula.
By Yetta Parnes Hundreds of butter face teens
Yenta Times flock to Dr. Yep’s office off
Ocean Pkwy. in Brooklyn to
obtain much needed help. The
Pizza man Luigi Tortoni flew Dr. applies his “secret formula”
into a fit of rage after employer to kid’s faces and within seconds
Arthur Stern (owner of the famed their skin feels like a raging
restaurants, “The Spot” and “The inferno. Some patients wail in
Riviera Snack Bar”) told Luigi agony from the fiery concoction,
that he would start using fake and if they scream loud enough,
cheese in his pizza. Tortoni Yep says “just 10 more minutes”.
exploded and held Stern at knife if they start to cry, Dr. Yep
point until Sgt. Gino “Gene” proclaims “OK we put out fire
Venezia of Sea Gate Police now”. He takes a tissue and puts
S.W.A.T. team negotiated with 2 drops of water on it and barely
the mad Italian. The straight- dabs at the blistering skin.
jacketed Tortoni was promptly Chemical analysis of Yep’s
shipped back to Italy, Sources “secret formula” found it to be
report that Luigi Tortoni is now a nothing but a combination of
famous spumoni scoop designer straight hydrochloric and sulfuric
frequently seen on the prestigious acids.
Vespa racing circuit. The results: a cranberry sauce
mel sed appearance immediately after
treatment, but after two weeks,
all but one kinky haired Sea Gate
boy , had a peaches and cream
complexion.
—
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2 Barely
Graduate
Fast ‘56 By Carl Ashby
‘Health Ed Joumal
By Larry John Streitman
Double A Fuel Magazine
After making a mockery of phys-ed
class for the majority of their senior
Sea Gate’s Sgt. Gene Venezia year, Coach Gary Lasker pulled
amazes the community with his two teens from gym class 6 weeks
nitro methane burning “Stormin” before graduation and gave them
56 Plymouth. Custom painted in the bad news: they weren’t going
an aqua blue funny car color, this to graduatel! Although the 2 boys
eye catcher dazzles all on- had virtually straight A’s in
Jookers. With it’s four-on-the- academics, they were total losers
floor Hurst T-shifter, twin Holley when it came to gym. They
4 barrel carbs, a blue printed 454 pleaded with Mr. Lasker and asked
Hemi, headers and extra leaf what they could do to make it up.
springs, Sgt. Gene brags, After thinking about a just
“whattayamean?,,, it gets up to punishment, he required the
50 on the Belt Pkwy. ....why students to double time in every
these Sea Gate snot rags could aym class. They had to do twice
only dream of owning a supercar the exercise, twice the running, as
like this” well as lead the class in exercise
until the end of the school year.
Lasker also humiliated the boys in
front of each and every class, but
allowed them to graduate with a
grade of one point over the
Cap, Gown minimum passing grade of 65.
And Wiiat??
By Stanley Komito
Lafayette Legend, Yellow Laundry
Mystery Solved
Four rebellious Sea Gate boys,
two of whom barely graduated,
were caught wearing dungarees and By Beatrice K. Cooper
Beatle Boots under their graduation ‘Read a Book~a-Day Club
gowns. The graduation exercises
took place at a famous movie
theater in downtown Brooklyn.
One of the cocky boys remarked An obese Sea Gate family started
“Hey what are they gonna fail me to notice that their laundry
now?” mysteriously started turning yellow
every time they removed it from
enter (cont’d pg. 6, column 1)
HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_000041
Campaign “ award. Because of
the clothes line. Mrs. Bulla claims the notoriety the student gave Keds,
she uses Clorox bleach in every they offered him alifetime supply
wash load, but the laundry of the sneakers, as long as those
curiously turns yellow and has an were the only shoes he would ever
ammonia smell after it dries, This wear in the future. The same offer
happened for months until her son came from a local sweatshirt
Gerald started doing some detective manufacturer, but they eventually
work on his own. After 2 more went out of business after giving
months of surveillance, Gerald the kid so many free sweatshirts:
Bulla caught the culprit red (or He still wears them today, but has
should I say yellow) handed. The his kid brother silk screen different
Bulla’s downstairs neighbor’s son Jogos on them such as “POLICE”,
had been repeatedly squirting the “ZORRO” and “SHMITKA”
laundry with a squirt gun filled
with an unknown yellow liquid.
‘The Bullas were forced to move
away after more highjinks
occurred.
Teacher Almost
Gets the Boot
By Emil Suskind
5" Graders P.S. 188 News
Clean up Sixth grade teacher Ed
Goldsmith, was never known to be
Coney a conventional thinker by his peers,
but his students really enjoyed his
non-conformism. With his dry wit
By Nelly Bly and different way of looking at
Graves End Books things, the students were always
educated, as well as entertained.
His colleagues never respected
Mr. Stephen Levy whip-trained Goldsmith and probably resented
his over-achieving class 5-3 until his odd approach.
they mastered Easy Steps March On assembly day in April of
and Aida, Only then would he 1964, Mr. Goldsmith, an
allow them to be featured in the accomplished jazz pianist, played
Prestigious Coney Island Clean Up the national anthem in a “jazzed-
Campaign Parade. The long up” version, and sent the
awaited Parade arrived, and the auditorium reeling into a near riot.
fifth graders had to march in
The teachers hated the rendition,
sweltering 110 degree heat. Fifteen calling it a mockery and a disgrace,
of the 45 kids suffered heat while the children clapped and
exhaustion, and one saxophone snapped to the coolest version of
player continued marching and the anthem they’d ever heard!
playing until midnight. The Sea On the next day, Mr. Goldsmith
Gate boy marched until his pinky was handed his walking papers by
toe popped through the side of his the school administration, and
signature blue Keds boat sneakers. made an announcement to his class,
He was awarded the “Schmuck of that he was forced to leave. The
the Coney Island Clean up {cont'd pg. 7, column 1)
—
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students were dismayed, some to
the point of crying. When they Math Teacher
notified their parents of the
administration's decision, students Is Hung!!
along with their parents went on
strike the following day. They
demanded a reversal of the By Paul Medici
decision, stating that the teacher
‘Math Team Newsletter
was the one most influential
persons contributing to the
student’s creative thinking. After a Famed diminutive math teacher
multi-hour standoff, the Joseph “Mighty Joe” Rothman, has
administration backed down and been a fixture at Mark Twain JHS
allowed Mr, Goldsmith to contime for over 35 years, Students have
teaching until the end of the term. taunted the midget math man ever
Ed Goldsmith stated that he would since he started teaching. Year
not return to the school after that after year of being teased by the
year. kids have caused the man to lash
‘The kids really loved that man, ‘out at new students before they
ever had the chance to bother him.
This year was different; when he
failed two students due to
personality conflicts, rather than
poor grades, the students held a
“lynching” right in the classroom.
Peddie Pusher Mighty Joe was hung by his sport
coat, on a coat hook, in the
Throws Party students’ wardrobe. Both students
were expelled from school and Mr.
Rothman only had his pride hurt.
By Scott Peart To this day, Mighty Joe still
Mercedes Aficionado teaches math at age 112.
Paula the peddle pusher, threw a
birthday bash for her pride and joy
Jeffery Edward last week at the
posb, exclusive, Surf Lanes in
Coney. She went hog wild and
provided free shoes, 2 games, hot
Hot rides in
dogs, hamburgers and soda to about
15 of the boys friends. And who
“the gate”
do you think bowled high score?
You guessed it. Later on, Paula
admitted , “I only invited the most By Larry John Streitman
Double A Fust Magazine
talentless bowlers, just to make
Jeffery look good”.
It’s summertime in Sea Gate and
car enthusiasts from around the
world try their best to get into “the
gate” for the most craved auto
exposition in history. Some of the
{cont’d Pg.8, column 1)
HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_000043
gone. “To much peempoo; cannot
fix”, the doctor, said. The crater-
face teen now has to check his oil
most treasured vehicles include: every 10 minutes, for fear of greasy
Larry John Streitman’s Flamin’ 69 build-up. As punishment, his
+ AMC Javelin, Howie Dorf's friends were required to provide
--“Listen-my-friend” 68 Plymouth him with a lifetime supply of Oxy
‘Barracuda, the Amazing “Dirt i0.
~ Brothers” Camaro (so many mixed
"up parts, it has no year), Stoned
Lloyd Kaplan’s Super Smoker 69
T-Bird, Harold Sokol’s 69 Dime-
Pitch Karmann Ghia, Warren
Bisenstein’s fully customized 62
Near Miss on
‘VW Bug with special hand applied
‘gold metal flake paint and flame
Belt Pkwy.
‘pin striping, Mike Buchholtz’s
‘Neck Bracing 69 VW Squareback,
By Officer Bits
Terry the K's Black 58 Little Sea Gate Police Bulletin
“Window VW Bug,
70 Rock-me “Baby Carriage” VW
Convertible, Timmy the K’s Super Last Friday, 3 Sea Gate boys
~ Btock- runs-good-downhill “62 perpetrated a hoax on popular math
‘Chevy, and don’t forget world tutor Richard “Dicky” Freed. One
famous Sgt. Gene’s Stormin’ 56 boy set the scam up by mentioning,
Plymouth! that he needed math tutoring,
knowing that Dicky would surely
zero in on this “needy student”.
Freed took the boy onto the Belt
Play. in his navy blue 63 Chevy
Belair. Once they reached the large
gas tanks on the way to Sheepshead
Bay, two other boys who were
hiding behind the back seat popped
up and scared the dickens out of
Near Drowning Dicky. He temporarily lost control
of the vehicle when both arms went
off the steering wheel and up to the
in Chocolate roof of the vehicle as he sbrieked in
fear. The 3 boys laughed
By Willy the Soda Jerk hysterically as Freed ‘s car
Firestone Candy Papers
careened through 3 lanes of traffic,
almost flipping over the guard rail.
Police reposted the incident to the
boys’ parents. The punishment: 2
A brillo haited teenager was boys- no color TV for One week!!
nearly drowned in Fox's U bet The 3" boy was deprived of his
chocolate syrup when his four precious lobster salad for one week.
friends held him down and poured
Freed returned to normal tutoring
10 jars of the thick, rich, velvety
after « week of shoe polishing and
egg crea
ℹ️ Document Details
SHA-256
3168720b5fa57da29dbeb682d2608f84f0c51e4ad69106d6f581825c9a0cf585
Bates Number
Request No. 1 2_text
Dataset
house-oversight
Document Type
document
Pages
238
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