EFTA02709436.pdf

From: Jackie Martling < > Sent: Friday, August 21, 2015 4:34 PM To: [email protected] Subject: see Jackie! Manhattan & Lindenhurst! it keeps getting better & better ! ... and it's still onl= </=>$10 (t=n dollars!) to get in ! ... and yes! you still get a $5 refund if you come on stage=and tell a joke(s)! [ limit Tell-Two-Per-Customer 8pm every Monday! every Monday! (except Labor Day ... barbecued food must=be consumed.) "The Jackie Martling Show" <http://jokemanaugust24th.brownpapertickets.com=> Broadway Comedy=20 Club <http://jokemanaugust24th.brownpapertickets.com/> New York, Ne= York call now! broadwaycomedyclu=.com <http://jokemanaugust24th.brownpapertickets.com/> click to see our an=mated ad! <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SK_T-MUXZjg> spin Wheelie Nelson to get a joke category I tell jokes, you tell jokes ... don't have one? I'll giv= you one (or a few) ... ... and try to "Stump The Joke Man!" jo=es, jokes & more jokes! yes, yes, yes ...=fun fun fun. 444444444 A Classic!=FONT lang=0 style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: fiffff80" color=#000000 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS" FAMILY="SCRIPT" PTSIZE="12" BACK="#ffff80"> A coup=e wakes up one morning and the guy says to his wife, "What a party I went to last=night, right here in the neighborhood. Good food, good people, good conversation=... and the best thing of all, they had a golden toilet." She says, "You're=crazy. There's no such thing as a golden toilet." He says, "I swear=to God. Right here in the neighborhood. Come on, let's go check it out." They go to one of the=houses in the neighborhood, knock on the door, and a lady answers. The guy says, "Excu=e me, lady, have you got a golden toilet?" She slams the door.=They go to the next house, knock on the door, and a lady answers. The guy says, "Excu=e me, lady, have you got a golden toilet?" EFTA_R1_02116676 EFTA02709436  She slams the door.=They go to the next house, knock on the door, and a lady answers. The guy says, "Excu=e me, lady, have you got a golden toilet?" She turns and yells= "Hey, Ernie! Here's the guy who shit in your tuba!" A girl's standi=g with a guy at the bar and after a few minutes she says, "You know, if you lost=a few pounds, took a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." He says, "If I did=that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, not you." please follow me on Twitted get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ..<=FONT> @JackieMartling A guy's standi=g at the bar and he's got two huge lumps on his head. The bartender says, "I=gotta ask, pal ... what the hell happened to you?" The guy says, "My wife=hit me with a chair." The barten=er says, "Why the hell'd she do that?" The guys says, "Well,=l guess I earned it. She brought home a Do-It-Yourself waxing kit this morni=g and asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle.=And I said I'd prefer she have no moustache at all." The Jackie Martli=g Show <http://jokemanaugust24th.brownpapertickets.comk " Broadway Comedy=20 Club <http://jokemanaugust24th.brownpapertickets.com/> New York, New York <=>broadwaycomedyclu..com <http://jokemanaugust24th.brownpapertickets.com/> 8pm Saturday, Sept. 26th<=FONT>Studio Theatre <http://www.studiotheatreli.com/in-the-news/jackie-the-joke-man- mar=ling-saturday-sept-26-2015/> Lindenhurst, New York click on this sentence for tickets! <http://www.studiotheatreli.com/in-the-news/jackie-the-joke-man-mar=ling-saturday- sept-26-2015/> studiotheatreli.com <http://www.studiotheatreli.com/in-the-news/jackie-theloke-man-mar=ling-saturday-sept-26- 2015/> 8pm Saturday, November 21st 2 EFTA_R1_02116677 EFTA02709437 Boulton Center <http://boultoncenter.org/Calendar.aspx> <=ONT lang=0 color=#000000 size=4 face="Comic Sans MS" FAMILY="SCRIPT"=20 PTSIZE="14"> Bay Shore, Long Island, Ne= York boultoncenter.org <http://boultoncenter.org/Calendar.aspx> hi ... "The Jackie Ma=tling Show," wall-to-wall jokes, is a h0000t! if you haven't=made it yet, you is missing it! &n=sp; everybody gets up and tells jokes! everybody's=20 been getting my damn $5, my damn $10 sheesh. 8pm Mon=ay nights at Broa=way Comedy Club chttp://jokemanaugustl7th.brownpapertickets.comk ! =come be a part of whatever it is we're doing! guaranteed sex!=20 yes,=guaranteed sex! that=is a huge lie! that is a huge lie! all serio=sness aside, you'll love it ... Jackie Why's eating a taco better than eating a woman? Wit= any luck, you won't get pussy hairs caught in your teeth eating a taco. A guy's sta=ding at a seaside bar and after a while the bartender says, "You know, pal, you're=a regular guy, but damn, you got one really small head." The guy says, "Well,=that's because of The Magic Mermaid." &nbs=; The bartender says, "What're you talking about?" The guy says, "Yeste=day I caught something huge. I pulled it up and it was an eight-foot mermaid, al= tangled up in some other fisherman's net. I cut her loose and she said, 'W=w, you saved my life. The sharks would've gotten me for sure, they love merma=d meat.' "I said I was of cour=e glad to be of help. "And the= she said, 'Well, I'm Melinda The Magic Mermaid, so I'm going to give you three=20 wishes. Whatever you want.' el wished for a bigger boat and poof! I had a bigger boat. I asked for=new fishing gear and poof! I had brand new fishing gear. Then I told he= she was so damn sexy and that I'd love to get it on with her ... "She looked down, smiled= and said, 'I'd love to, but I'm a mermaid ... I have no pussy.' "And then idiot me=said, 'Oh yeah. Well, can you give me a little head?'" 3 EFTA_R1_02116678 EFTA02709438 yep, it's The JokeLand E-Mail List<=FONT>!=free yuks! please tell everybody you know! free jokes! free jokes!=... by just e-mailing me, [email protected] What were the eight Mexicans doing in the Volkswagon? Going to pick up th=ir dates. McCreedy go=s to visit his friend at work, and he says, "That new secretary of yours is hot= She's beautiful." His=20 friend says, "Yeah, and she's a robot. If you squeeze her left boob, she=takes dictation. If you squeeze her right boob, she dials the boss. And you can=fuck her. Go ahead, take her into the closet." McCreedy takes her=into the closet, and in a few minutes, his friend hears, "Ahhhhh!" His friend=yells, "Oh, I forgot to tell you ... her asshole's a pencil sharpener.". What has four legs &a=p; a head & a tail & a shell & stinks? A turdle. hot off the press!he=e's links to three Jo=eLand Toons, ... courtesy of the amazing animator Rich Drezen <https://www.youtube.com/user/Bellboy285> ! The Cat On The Couch chttps://youtu.be/WYlvZfF9YSM> <=ONT lang=0 style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff80" color=#ff0000 size=4 face="Comic Sans MS" FAMILY="SCRIPT" PTSIZE="14" BACK="#ffff80">The Perfect Couple <https://youtu.be/gObNIJOIy6M> The Three Bears <https://youtu.be/3TbMdnBVKAY> Old Maw's=never been sick a day in her life, and all of a sudden a bad case stomach flu la=ds her in the hospital. By the time the interns get her into bed, she's compl=ined about everything ... the temperature, her gown, the food and her mattress. Then she spo=s a small plastic cylinder with a button that's attached to a cord and she say=, "What's that?" One of the in=erns says, "If you need anything in the middle of the night, just press that button." She says, "Wh=t's it do, ring a bell?" He says= "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty." Maw says, "A light in=the hall? Jesus Christ, I'm the sick one around here. If the nurse need= a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on her damn self." *•* ***** * 4 EFTA_R1_02116679 EFTA02709439 How can you tell the Polish girl on the naked beach?She's the one with the tampon string dangling out of her asshole. <=R>The World's Best Gifts! <http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_0?fst=as:off&rh=n:51=4,k:jackie%20martling&keywords=jackie%20martling&i e=UTF8&=id=1424197160&rnid=2941120011&tag=viglink128354-20> they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio</=> <http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_0?fst=as:off&rh=n:51=4,k:jackie%20martling&keywords=jackie%20martling&i e=UTF8&=id=1424197160&rnid=2941120011&tag=viglink128354-20> joke CD's... hard copies or downloads! The Joke Man</=>, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts<=FONT>, Come Again?, F. jackie & snart are available=on Amazon, <http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2/177-8057800-1132914?url=3Dsearch- alias%3Dpopular&field-keywords=jackie+martling> iTu=es <https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/jackie- martling/id22611176> (snart is on sale!), and at Oglio.c=m <http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_0?fst=as:off&rh=n:51=4,k:jackie%20martling&keywords=jackie%20martling&i e=UTF8&=id=1424197160&rnid=2941120011&tag=viglink128354-20> What's worse than finding=a hole in your condom? Finding a condom in your hole. please follow me=20 al get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ..<=FONT> @JackieMartling +++ Public Service Inform=tion +++ how to get rid of the crabs: Sh=ve one side of your pubic hair, set the other side on fire, and when the littl= bastards come running across the bare patch, stab! them with an ice=pick Put toothpicks in your underwear and they'll pole vault into the toilet bowl=20 Pull your pants down, squat over a mirror, and they'll jump from one asshole=to another ... Find a cocksucker=who likes seafood. How do you know your=dog likes you more than your wife? Lock them both in your trunk for a few hours, 5 EFTA_R1_02116680 EFTA02709440 ... then open it up and see who's glad to see you ... ***** •••• Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So=20 nobody'll mistake them for lesbians. Minervini's dr=ving along doing fifty-five when his wife says, "I want a divorce." Minervini takes th= car up to seventy. She says, "Il=e been fucking your best friend, and he's got a much bigger cock than you." Minervini takes the ca= up to eighty. She says, "My law=er told me I get the house and the kids." Minervini steps on it=and gets the car up to ninety. &=bsp; She says, "I'm taking the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards." As Minervini starts=to steer towards a bridge piling, she says, "Is there anything you want?" He says, "Nope. I've=got everything I need." She asks= "What's left?" He says, "The=20 fucking air bag." What's a hump? = hump's a noun, meaning the thing on a camel's back ... unless the thing is anoth=r camel, in which case it becomes a verb. What's that?" =She shows him ... and shows him ... and shows him ... and then she shows him=one last time. When they're fina=ly done, she says, "Well, how do you like fucking?" The guy says, "I=guess it's all right. But look what you did to my clam digger." ********* Why do married men ga=n weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing=they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want= then go to the refrigerator. Dirty Johnny's=father says, "Let me see your report card." 6 EFTA_R1_02116681 EFTA02709441  Johnny says, "I=don't got it." His father sa=s, "Why not?" Johnny says, "Sam=y borrowed it to scare his parents." I just appeared for a second time on the great podcast "Keith & The=20 Girl <http://www.keithandthegirl.com/> "... ... please give them a listen! ...=and huge thanks to Phil lazetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy <http://www.iheart.com/live/247-comedy-4902/> ... click to listen! <http://www.iheart.com/live/247-comedy-4902/> he plays me a-plenty ... **** *****<=ONT lang=0 style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: Stffff80" color=#000000 size=3 face="Comic=Sans MS" FAMILY="SCRIPT" PTSIZE="12" BACK="#ffff80"> my wife cheats when we play board games. last=night my kids & I were playing Monopoly & she was in the garage fucking=the landscaper ... please follow=me on=20 Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... glackieMartling to hear endles= jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotify app and type in "Jackie Martling"... ••*******<=ONT lang=0 style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: itffff80" color=#000000 size=3 face="Comic=Sans MS" FAMILY="SCRIPT" PTSIZE="12" BACK="#ffff80"> What'd the=20 gynecologist say as he was going down on his wife? Fucking house calls. the $2.95 Guys <http://www.295guys.com/> are the official supplier=of all JokeLand tees <http://www.295guys.com/> for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! dial (516)922-WINE 7 EFTA_R1_02116682 EFTA02709442 free jokes for Th= Universe since 1979... simply dial (516) 922-9463 ... ...=not a pay service, just a regular call ... 36 years of free jokes!=FONT lang=0 style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff80" color=#ff0000 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS" FAMILY="SCRIPT" PTSIZE="12" BACK="#ffff80"> What'd one snowman sa= to the other snowman? Smells like carrots. this is <=FONT> The JokeLand E-Mail Lit. if you're not supposed to be on this train, ple=se disembark & get off now. ... and please tell anybody who wants target on to e-mail me, [email protected] A guy's dr=wning. The lifeguard swims out, drags him in, puts him on the edge of the shore,=and starts pumping his arms. Her= comes water out of the guy's mouth, "Aarrghh " The lifeguard's pumpin= his arms, pumping his arms ... here comes fish, and clams, and seaweed. Another guy comes=walking along and says, "Hey! You better get his asshole out of the water! You're=gonna empty the ocean." I used to get a hard-on=just watching my wife eat a banana ... now I only get a hard-on if she's choki=g on it. ***** *•* for the kids: Knock, knock... Who's there? Ho= ... Hoo who? What are you, an owl? Where's Batm=n take a shower? In the batroom. What's black and white &am=; black and white & black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill. Harry's mother says, "Harry, did you take a shower?" H=rry says, "Why? Is there one missing?" 8 EFTA_R1_02116683 EFTA02709443 What kind of monster can you put=in the washing machine? A wash & werewolf. What's a ghos= use when he goes hunting? A boo and arrow. END of KIDS' SECTION<=FONT> It's the NH= off-season, Crosby's in New York for the first time and he goes to the bea=h with a pail. He goes up to=the lifeguard and says, "I want to take home a souvenir. How much for a pail=of water?" The lifeguard thinks=to himself, "Oh, brother," and he says, "Two bucks. Help yourself." Crosby says, "Tha=ks," fills up his pail, hands the lifeguard two bucks, and he takes off. Crosby comes back a cou=le of hours later and it's low tide. &nbs=; He says to the lifeguard, "Boy, you did one hell of a business today, didn't=20 you?" How'd Helen Kelle= break her fingers? Trying to read a stop sign at fifty-five miles an hour. Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? The hippie was too far out. * ****** * What's the differ=nce between when a girl ties you up and tickles you with a feather and a vagina tha= hasn't been tended to? When a girl ties you up and tickles=you with a feather, it's a kinky stunt. ***** **V What's a woman wi=h a yeast infection piss? Cheese whiz. What would the behind-home-plate umpire call a drunk passed out in the snow? High & outside. What would the behind-home-plate um=ire call a depressed guy fucking a whore? Low & inside. What=would the behind-home-plate umpire call a homeless dwarf? Low & outside. What would the behind-home-plate umpire call a Tampon made=of hemp? High & inside. 9 EFTA_R1_02116684 EFTA02709444 thanks for enjoying the jokes ... ... if yo= didn't enjoy the jokes, go play leapfrog with a Unicorn ... please follow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke=every day at 4:20 pm EST ... glackieMartling r....4. www.jokeland.com <aoldb://mail/write/www.jokeland.com> for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just="Use Your Finger!" thirty-six years of free jokes! and dial not a pay ser=ice, just a local call ... You've rece=ved this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website=to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or becau=e you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case=OR to be forever removed from this list, please reply to this e-mail with the wo=d "unlist" in the subject line. &=bsp; thanks, a JokeLand E-Mail JokeLand Inc. Bayville, NY 11709 USA <http://x.jmxded222.net/o.z?j=316006970&mid=21609&8=609107064&m=772A0C1B1A9A45CF8314CC101E29FS1D> 10 EFTA_R1_02116685 EFTA02709445