EFTA02702613.pdf

From: Jackie Martling Sent: Wednesday, May 18, 2016 9:45 PM To: [email protected] Subject: see Jackie in Bellmore, LI! A lady stumbles into a bar. She says, "B-beertender, g-give me a dribble martuni and p-put a pickle in it." He gives it to her and she drinks it down. She says, "B-beertender, g-give me another dribble martuni and p-put a pickle in it." He gives it to her and she drinks it down. She says, "B-beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and y-you better put two pickles in it, becau ... because I've got heartburn." The bartender says, "look, lady ... it's not beertender, it's bartender. It's not a martuni, it's a martini. It's not a dribble, it's a double. That's not a pickle, it's an onion. And you haven't got heartburn, you've got your left boob in the ashtray." What should you call a woman with a huge bush? A cab. A guy walks into a store and says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper." She says, "What color?" He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself." 7pm Saturday, June 4th The Brokerage Comedy Club 2792 Merrick Road Bellmore, Long Island NY all show info on jokeland.com A woman calls Dirty Johnny's mother and says, "I caught your son playing doctors and nurses with my eight-year-old daughter." EFTA_R1_02075098 EFTA02702613  Johnny's mother says, "Well, of course they're curious about sex at that age." The girl's mother says, "Curious about sex? He took her friggin' appendix out." Lange calls Goodstien and says, "Hey, man, I need to borrow your computer. I want to masturbate but my computer's down." Goodstien says, "Jeeez, Lange, your girlfriend lives five minutes away. If you're that desperate, why not just go to her house?" Lange says, "She hasn't got Internet." hello! Spring, ahhh! hope you're enjoying the monthly jokes ... please tell your friends and enemies about this list ... to get on it, just e-mail me, [email protected] when's the last time you "Used Your Finger" and diale' still going, 37 years later ... Jackie ***** Why's life a bitch? Because if it was a slut, it'd be easy. A high school couple's in the movies. The girl says, "Jimmy, I think I swallowed your gum." He says, "Nah, I was just clearing my throat." please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... glackieMartling Blatchely's in a bar. He taps the guy next to him on the shoulder and says, "You know what you do if an epileptic's having a fit in the bathtub? You throw in your wash." 2 EFTA_R1_02075099 EFTA02702614  The guy says, "Listen, pal, I don't think that's funny. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bathtub during a fit." Blatchely says, "Wow, I'm sorry. Did he drown?" The guy says, "No, he choked on a sock." A midget goes into a whorehouse, goes upstairs with a girl, takes off his pants ... and he's got a two-foot penis. The girl says, "Like hell, you're not putting that thing in me. I'll kiss it." The midget says, "No deal. I can do that myself." Rochester! three big shows! Fri-Sat, May 20-21st The Comedy Club 2235 Empire Blvd. Webster. New York ecome yc u .us ***** ** 7pm Saturday, June 4th The Brokerage Comedy Club 2792 Merrick Road Bellmore, Lon Island NY brokerage.govs.com 8pm Wednesday, June 8th The Parx Casino 2999 Street Road Bensalem, Pennylvania www.parxcasino.com My pal Uncle Larry Reeb, a comic from Chicago, claims once he was on a plane when a lady across from him started breast-feeding. The stewardess said to him, "What can I get you?" And Larry said, "I'll have what the kid's having." 3 EFTA_R1_02075100 EFTA02702615  Toby gets a job working as a cowboy on a huge ranch in Wyoming. At the end of the first week he says to one of the other cowboys, "What do you guys do out here for fun?" The other cowboy says, "You're gonna find out in a few minutes." Just then, two guys on horseback ride up, herd thirty sheep through a gate, and all the cowboys take off like a shot for the corral. Toby says, "What's the hurry? There's gotta be more'n two dozen sheep and there's only ten of us. Can't a guy take his time?" The other cowboy says, "What? And get stuck with an ugly one?" What do you yell when you spot two homeless people kissing? "Get a box!" S.... Mrs. Reynolds takes her clothes to a Chinese laundry, and when it comes back she sees there are still stains in her panties. The next week she puts in a note, "Please use more soap on panties." When she gets them back there's a note, "Please use more paper on ass." A guy goes up to the drugstore counter and says, "I need some condoms and some pesticide." The girl says, "Don't you mean spermicide?'" He says, "No, I mean pesticide. My wife's got a bug up her ass and I'm goin' in after it." A little Italian guy's walking along in Little Italy carrying a huge watermelon under each arm. A tourist walks up to him and says, "Where's Canarsie Street?" The little Italian guy puts down one watermelon, and then puts down the other watermelon, and shrugs, "I don't know." Special! download! six of my wild dirty jokes Oglio CD's only $20! plus! ... you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song" ! Jackie's 6 CD Special A gay guy goes to the doctor for his annual physical. After the exam, the doctor says, "You've got six weeks to live." The guy says, "What? How do you know?" 4 EFTA_R1_02075101 EFTA02702616  The doctor says, "During your exam a hamster crawled out of your butt, saw his shadow, and went back in." An old Jewish cab driver picks up a naked woman. He looks at her for a while in the rearview mirror and then he turns around and stares at her. She says, "What's the matter, honey? Never seen a naked woman before?" He says, "I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money for to pay for dis ride?'" yep, it's The JokeLand E-Mail List! free yuks! please tell everybody you know! free jokes! free jokes! ... by just e-mailing me, [email protected] A drunk's eating soup in a diner, his glass eye falls out and into the soup, and without realizing it, he eats it. He's constipated for the next few days, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "Please take off your pants and your underpants and get up on my table on all fours." The drunk does it, the doctor walks behind him, spreads the drunk's cheeks wide, and there's the eye, looking out at him. The doctor says, "Look, pal, first things first, you're gonna have to trust me." S....... What did Helen Keller say after she put down the cheese grater? "That was the most violent book I ever read." Galluccio's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the Emergency Room. The doctor says, "Yuk! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." Galluccio says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2016! We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Galluccio says, "Well, jeez, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up." * ****** * The World's Best Gifts! they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio joke CD's ... hard copies or downloads! The Joke Man, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?, F. jackie & snart are available on Amazon, iTunes snart is on sale! ), and at Oglio.com 5 EFTA_R1_02075102 EFTA02702617  Swiedler's packing for a business trip and his three-year-old daughter's having a great time playing on the bed. She says, "Daddy, look!," and sticks out two of her fingers. He leans over, sticks her tiny fingers in his mouth and says, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretends to eat them and then goes back to packing. When he looks up again his daughter's standing on the bed staring at her fingers looking very disappointed. He says, "What's the matter, honey?" She says, "What happened to my booger?" please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST @JackieMartling ***** •••• A couple wakeds up and the husband says, "Let's play a game." He cuts a big fart, "Lbbt!," and says, "Seven points, I'm winning." His wife lifts her leg and farts, "Lbbbt!," and she says, "That's seven for me?" He says, "Yep." He strains, squeezes out another one, "Lbbt!," and he says, "Fourteen to seven." She faits again, "Lbbt!," and says, "That ties it up?" He says, "Yep," and then he pushes really hard and craps the bed. She says, "Now what?" He says, "Half time, switch sides." ... and huge thanks to Phil lazzetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy click to listen! he plays me a-plenty ... ***** •• * A lady goes to a brand-new gynecologist, and as he starts examining her, he says, "My God, Mrs. Johnson, that's the hugest vagina I've ever, ever seen." When she gets home, the lady decides to have a look for herself. She takes down a big mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all of her clothes, stands on the mirror, and she's just about to look down when her husband walks in early from work. He says, "What are you doing?" She says, "Ummm I'm just exercising." He says, "Well, be careful not to fall in the hole." please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling 6 EFTA_R1_02075103 EFTA02702618 to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotify app and type in "Jackie Martling"... It's a really nasty day, dark and pouring, and Schneider gets pulled over for speeding. The cop walks up to Schneider's window and says, "Isn't it kind of stupid to be driving so fast in this weather?" Schneider says, "Who's stupid? You're the one standing out in the rain." the $2.95 Guys are the official supplier of all JokeLand tees PikCARDS are the greatest! terrific ads for your band! please take a look! www.pikcard.com A guy wakes up one morning, he's got a hangover, his head's throbbing, and as he's coming out of his stupor he realizes he's in a motel. He looks ... and there, at the foot of the bed ... there she is. O000 ... an ugly girl. A girl with a face that'd send a train down a dirt road. And she's in love. She cuddles up to him and says, "What are we gonna name it?" He picks up the rubber he used the night before, ties it in a knot, twirls it around, tosses it out the window and says, "If he gets out of this one, we'll call him Houdini." forgreat dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! dial free jokes for The Universe since 1979... simply dial ... not a pay service, just a regular call ... 37 years of free jokes! Schmidlap comes home from work and says to his wife, "This is the third night this week I've come home from work and there's no dinner on the table. The third night this week there's no dinner on the table." His wife says, "Oh, yeah? Well, we've got four kids. I get 'em up, I dress 'em, I feed 'em breakfast, I get 'em off to school. I do the washing, the cleaning, the ironing, the shopping. I haven't got time to wipe my ass." He says, "That's another thing I want to talk to you about." for the kids: What's a cow's sneeze sound like? "Ahhh-moo!" 7 EFTA_R1_02075104 EFTA02702619 What can an elephant do that no other animal can do? Have baby elephants. What kind of sandwich does a shark eat for lunch? Peanut butter & jellyfish. Why'd the foorball coach go to the bank? The get his quarterback. What's a cat say when you step on her tail? "Me-OWW!" How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste. End of Kids' Section! 4, •.114.* A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid. When the rabbi walks into his Kauai hotel room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed. He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you." The girl gets up and start to get dressed. He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry at you." I know I drink too much. The other day I woke up shaking so bad I'd have needed a funnel to stick my finger in my date's ass. Luckily I travel with one in case of emergencies. A guy gets a new job. He works Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm schtupping her." The boss says, "Your own sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick." 8 EFTA_R1_02075105 EFTA02702620  Harry walks in from work and there's his wife, lying naked on the couch with her legs in the air, sliding a coat hanger in and out ... He says, "For Christ's sakes, Carol, at least have the class to use a dildo." She says, "Go to hell. What do you think I'm looking for?" A WalMart Greeter in Cleveland is standing near the entrance with her clipboard when a really, really ugly woman comes in with a five-year-old and a ten-year-old. She's dragging the five-year-old, and bitching at the kids in a shrill, screeching voice non-stop. The greeter says, "Excuse me, are they twins, ma'am?" She says, "Of course not, you idiot. They're five years apart. Why in hell would you think they was twins?" The Greeter says, "I just can't believe anybody would've had sex with you twice." Why's a horse is the symbol of The Teamsters Union? It's the only animal that can sleep standing up. Smith and Wesson are drinking, and after a couple of hours Smith leans over and starts stroking Wesson's beard. He says, "You know, Wesson, your face feels just like my wife's naked lap ..." Wesson reaches up, strokes his beard and says, "You know, it sure does." A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a permanent hard-on. It was fun at first, but now it throbs ... it's painful. You gotta help me." The guy pulls down his pants and he's got a huge erection ... a midget could do chin-ups on this thing. The doctor takes two fingers, smacks! the guy's penis, a bug jumps off it and it goes limp. The guy says, "Gee, Doc, that's great. What do I owe you?" The doctor says, "If you help me find that bug, you don't owe me nothing." Grossman goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to come home with me?" She says, "And why should I?" He says, "Because I'm a nice guy with a good job." She says, "What do you do?" He says, "I'm a dentist." She says, "Okay, what the hell," she goes home with him, and they get it on. When they get done she says, "Hey, you must be a great dentist." She says, "I didn't feel a thing." A guy's sitting on a train looking over at a lady with her baby and he says, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. My God, what an ugly kid. That baby looks like a monkey." The lady starts crying uncontrollably, she's really freaking out. 9 EFTA_R1_02075106 EFTA02702621  She runs up to the conductor and says, "That man over there insulted me. He's so mean. I'm so upset." The conductor says, "Calm down, ma'am, calm down. Next stop we'll jump off and get you a nice hot cup of coffee. Hey, maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey." please follow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling Mrs. Fecalberger says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. More and more often my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it's scaring me." The doctor says, "I'm sure I can fix that. Whenever it seems your husband is getting angry, take a big sip of water and swish it around in your mouth. Swish it around and around and don't swallow it until he leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep." Two weeks later Mrs. Fecalberger walks back into the doctor's office looking fresh as a daisy. She says, "Doctor, you're magnificent. Every time my husband starts getting upset, I take a big gulp of water and swish it around in my mouth, swish and swish, and he calms right down. It's fantastic. But you've got to tell me, how does a gulp of water do that?" The doctor says, "It's not the water, Mrs. Fecalberger. It's you keeping your stupid mouth shut that does the trick." www.jokeland.com for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-seven years of free jokes! and dial of a pay service, just a local call ... Elmer's bored, so he takes off from the farm and heads for town on a rainy day. He runs into a hooker on the street and they go into an alley. She takes it out, takes a look and says, "It's too big." He says, "Well, hell, that's no reason to drop it in the mud." I hope you enjoyed this month's jokes ... if you didn't, why don't you go dust your Mom for my fingerprints ... You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please reply to this e-mail with the word "unlist" in the subject line. 10 EFTA_R1_02075107 EFTA02702622  thanks, a JokeLand E-Mail JokeLand Inc. Box 58 Bayville, NY 11709 USA This email was sent by JokeLand, Inc., located at Box 58, Bayville, NY 11709 (USA). You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please click here or reply to this email with "unlist" in the Subject line. date-last-viewed 0 date-received 1463609020 flags 8590195713 gmail-label-ids 27 7 remote-id 614086 11 EFTA_R1_02075108 EFTA02702623