EFTA02061943.pdf

To: From: Sent: Mon 1/25/2016 11:02:52 PM Subject: a JokeLand E-Mail 8pm Saturday, January 30th with Very Special Guest Rich Harkaway! The Rrazz Room Inside The Prince Theater princetheater.orytherrazzroom A middle-aged divorcee's refrigerator's on the blink, so she calls a repair man. A young guy shows up, sets down his toolbox, and takes off his coat. He's wearing a sleeveless tee-shirt, he's very muscular and she can't take her eyes off of him. He starts working and he starts sweating and he's driving her crazy. She walks up behind him and starts rubbing his neck and his back. She starts grinding against him a little bit, and soon enough she's hugging him. Next thing you know they're making out and their clothes come off. He starts fucking her up against the wall, and they really get going. When he gets done, be backs up, and wipes his brow. He looks over, and she's still standing there, wiggling and writhing and moaning, going "Ohh! UnhhP' He says, "What's the matter, lady? Ain't you had enough? Ain't I any good?" She says, "You were fine. Now will you please help me get this doorknob out of my ass?" ******* A little girl comes out of the bathroom and her mother's making a cake. She says, "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?" Her mother says, "Will you flush it like everybody else?" What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian? EFTA_R1_00608565 EFTA02061943  A little kid shouldn't run with scissors, and a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs. A waiter brings a lady her clam chowder, and his thumb's hooked over the cup. The lady says, "Waiter, your thumb is in my soup." He says, "Yeah, I know. You see, I got the arthritis, and the heat makes it feel much better." The lady says, "Well, why don't you just stick your thumb up your ass?" He says, "Oh, I -I do that when I'm in the kitchen." ******** Polish car pool? They meet at work ********* What would you call a Mexican quarterback? El Paso. ******** A guy who can fuck thirty girls in a row gets booked on America's Got Talent. The night of the show, they introduce him, the guy comes out on stage with thirty girls, and after he fucks twenty-eight of them, he fizzles out. The producer runs out and says, "You son-of-a-bitch, you were supposed to fuck all thirty of those girls." The guy says, "I don't know what happened, man. Everything went fine in dress rehearsal." ******** Why'd the coal miner's wife start to cry when he took off his pants? His cock was clean. ******** please follow me on Twitter! EFTA_R1_00608566 EFTA02061944  get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling An old Norwegian couple lives on a cove at the north end of a lake in North Dakota. It's early winter and the southern portion of the cove's frozen over. Alex says, "Lena, please won't you walk across the frozen part of the cove to the General Store and get me some smokes and beer?" She says, "Okay, but sure I will. Give me some money." He says, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Bachevich won't mind but at all." Lena, a good wife, walks across the ice, gets the beer and the smokes and walks back home across the cove. When she gets home she says, "Alex, you're always telling me not to run up the tab at Bachavich's. Why didn't you just give me some money?" He says, "Well, what I was thinkin', Lena, was I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was." ******** "1-leeellIppp!" There's a scream from the bedroom, the husband runs in, and there's a guy jumping out of the window. His wife says, "Whoa! That guy just fucked me twice!" Her husband says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he fucked you once?" She says, "Because I thought it was you ... until he started for the second one." ******* 8pm Saturday, January 30th with Special Guest Rich Harkaway! The Rrazz Room Inside The Prince Theater 1412 Chestnut St. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (215) 422-4580 princetheater.org/therrazzroom EFTA_R1_00608587 EFTA02061945  ******* 7:30pm Saturday, February 6th with Special Guest Michele Bolan The Rrazz Room at Coral Springs Center For The Arts 2855 Coral Springs Drive Coral Springs, Florida tix (954) 344-5990 coralsprinqscenterforthearts.com 8pm Saturday, February 13th McGuire's 1627 Smithtown Ave. Bohemia, Long Island, New York (631) 467-5413 mcguirescomedyshows.com ******* 8pm Sat, Feb 20th bluu 2 Nabby Road Danbury, Connecticut (203) 744-2588 bluudanbury.com 9pm Fri., 7pm & 9:30pm Sat. February 26-27th Stitches Comedy Club Lancaster Family Resort Lancaster, Pennsylvania tickets (717) 826-3472 stitchescomedy. corn EFTA_R1_00608568 EFTA02061946  ******* 9pm Thu-Fri, March 3-4th with Kevin Meaney & Rich Purpura Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa 1 Borgata Way Atlantic City, New Jersey tix 1-866-900-4849 TheBorgata.com ******* 7pm Sat, March 5th Scavello's On The Island with Uncle Floyd & John Pizzi 101 City Island Ave. Bronx, New York (718) 885-2570 ******* 8pm Friday di Saturday, March 25-26th Boca Black Box Comedy Club 8221 Glades Rd. Boca Raton, Florida (561) 483-9036 bocablackbox.com ******* Here we are in nineteen sixty-one. There's a teen-age girl who's got to have every record that comes out. Every single record that comes out, she's gotta have a copy. One day, she's on the beach, and she hears on her radio (singing) "Two lips, seven kisses ... two lips, seven kisses ..." Well, she's got to have this record. She goes to the nearest phone and dials the record store as fast as she can. She dials so fast that she accidentally dials Ralph's Auto Body. EFTA_R1_00608569 EFTA02061947  A guy says, "Hello?" She says, "Have you got Two Lips And Seven Kisses?" The guy says, "No. I've got two balls and six inches." She says, "Oh ... is that a new record?" He says, "Nah. It's about average." ******* it's 2016. ... and I'm approaching 50. scary. when's the last time you "Used Your Finger" and dialed (516) 922-WINE ?! still going, 36 years later ... [ 516-922-9463 ] please spread the word about this silly list. Jackie ***** What should you do if your sister-in-law sits on your glasses and breaks them? Next time remember to take them off first. ***** Special! download all six of my wild dirty jokes Oglio CD's only $20! plus! ... you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song" ! Jackie's 6 CD Holiday Special ***** Two out-of-work actors meet on the street. EFTA_R1_00608570 EFTA02061948  The first actor says, "I just got a day job as a bathroom attendant and man, do I hate it. In the morning, the homos come in, and it's blow jobs in the stalls. The semen and the condoms are flying, it's disgusting. Then in the afternoon, the drunks come in, and they throw up, there's puke everywhere, it's horrible. I'll tell you, yesterday a guy came in at six o'clock and took a shit ... it was like a breath of fresh air." yep, it's The jokeLand E-Mail List! free yuks1 please tell everybody you know! free jokes! free jokes! ... by just e-mailing me, [email protected] ******* What interrogation method do gay detectives use? Good cock, bad cock. ******** Rosegarten says to his doctor, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every morning I wake up and fuck my wife. I car pool with the neighbor's wife, and on the way to work she gives me a blow job. At the office, whenever I go into the copy room, I bang one of the interns. At lunch, I take my secretary to a hotel and fuck her in her ass, because that's the way she likes it. During the afternoon coffee break, I fuck the boss's wife. Then I go home and the maid either sucks my cock or bends over so I can give it to her doggie style. And then at night, I fuck my wife again." The doctor says, "So what's your problem?" Rosegarten says, "It hurts when I jerk off." ******** Why didn't the pedicurist want to work on the African-American woman? The pedicurist was black-toes intolerant. ******** Nelson is the American Wrestling Champion and he's in France to compete with the top French wrestler for the World Championship. His coach says, "Nelson, you're the best. You're great. But this French guy EFTA_R1_00608571 EFTA02061949 has got this move called the pretzel hold, and it's deadly. If he gets you in the pretzel hold, you can forget it. But if you can stay away from him, I think we can win." Nelson says, "I'll stay away from him, Coach. Don't worry, I'll stay away from him." They get in the ring and the match starts. Twenty seconds later, the French guy gets Nelson in the pretzel hold. The coach says, "Jesus Christ!" He throws in the towel, and goes back to the locker room. A few minutes later there's a big cheer from the crowd. And then Nelson comes bouncing into the locker room. Nelson says, "I did it! I'm the World Champion, Coach!" The coach says, "Now, wait a minute, Nelson. I was out there, and I saw him get you in the pretzel hold. What do you mean, you're the champion?" Nelson says, "Here's what happened, Coach. I got out there, and I tried to stay away from him. But right away, he got me in that damn pretzel hold ... I was wound around, and I didn't know what to do ... all of a sudden, I saw these two testicles hanging in front of my face. So ... chomp! ... "I bit 'em." The coach says, "I still don't understand." Nelson says, "You'd be surprised what you can do, Coach, when you bite your own balls." ******** The World's Best Gifts! they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio joke CD's ... hard copies or downloads! The Joke Man, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?, F. Jackie & snart are available on Amazon iTunes ( snort is on sale! ), and at Oglio.com ********* The Mother Superior's out bicycle riding with about a dozen nuns, and the nuns are giggling, and carrying on. The Mother Superior says, "Calm down, now, girls, or I'm gonna have to put the seats back on those bikes." EFTA_R1_00608572 EFTA02061950  ******** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST @JackieMartlinq ********* What's the scariest thing about French-kissing an epileptic? She might swallow your tongue, too. ********* After a game, pro hockey player Hanson takes Reese, an old pal from the other team, home to meet his girlfriend. They walk into the kitchen, Hanson holds out his hand and says to his girl, "Look what we almost stepped in." ********* ... and huge thanks to Phil Iazetta Q iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy click to listen! he plays me a-plenty ... ******** What would you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and no torso? Dick. ******** A little kid's on the steps of a country store eating a candy bar when an old guy comes out the door and says, "Son, that candy will rot your teeth." The kid says, "My grandfather lived to be a hundred and five." The guy says, "By eating candy?" The kid says, "By minding his own fucking business." ******** please follow me on Twitter! EFTA_R1_00608573 EFTA02061951  get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartlinq to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotify app and type in "Jackie Martling"... ******** One sperm says to the other sperm, "How far to the ovary?" The other sperm says, "Relax. We haven't even passed her tonsils yet." ******** the $2.95 Guys are the official supplier of all JokeLand tees PikCARDS are the greatest! have a look! www.pikcard.com ********* for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! dial (516) 922-WINE ! free jokes for The Universe since 1979... simply dial (516) 922-9463 ... ... not a pay service, just a regular call ... 36 years of free jokes! ***** * * Two guys are walking when they see two dogs fucking on the lawn. The first guy says, "Damn, I sure would like to get my old lady that way." The other guy says, "It's easy. Just give her two shots of Tequila and a few beers. Then you can fuck her however you want." Then next day they run into each other. The first guy says, "It worked." The other guy says, "You gave her the two shots?" EFTA_R1_00608574 EFTA02061952  The first guy says, "No, I actually had to give her four shots." The other guy says, "Why four?" The first guy says, "Two to get her in the mood, and two to get her out on the front lawn." ******* for the kids: Knock, knock... Who's there? Alec... Alec who? Alec-tricity ain't that shocking? Why'd Melvin throw a clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly. Why'd Grandma knit three socks for her grandson? Because he told her that he grew a foot. What are the two most-used letters in the skunk alphabet? P. U. Which dinosaur is the noisiest sleeper? A bronto-snorus. END of KIDS' SECTION ****** What's the smallest muscle in a sheep's ass? Push Limbaugh's cock. ******* Kelly's whittling, he doesn't realize his zipper's open, and he almost cuts off his dick. His dick looks up and says, "You know, we've had a lot of fistfights, but I never thought you'd pull a knife on me." EFTA_R1_00608575 EFTA02061953  What's the best thing about getting blow jobs from Jewish women with Alzheimer's? They forget to spit it out. ******* When do you know a woman's too old to fuck? She breaks her hip jerking you off. ***** A lady gets out of the shower, slips, and falls so hard that a vacuum's created in her pussy when she lands spread-eagled on the floor, and she gets stuck. Her husband tries to lift her up but she won't budge. He pushes her shoulders back and forth, but it's like she's glued there. He goes next door and gets the neighbor, and then both of them pull like oxen, but she just won't budge. The neighbor says, "Hey, I'll just go and get my hammer and we'll bust up the tiles up around her thighs. That'll break the suction and then we can lift her up." The husband says, "That's a good idea. But first let me twist her nipples a little and get her aroused." The neighbor says, "Why in hell would you do that?" He says, "I want to get her lubed up so we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper." ****** thanks for enjoying this month's crop of fun ... ... if you didn't like the jokes, why don't you go gargle with jellyfish? ****** please follow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling EFTA_R1_00608576 EFTA02061954  www. jokeland.com for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-six years of free jokes! and dial (516) 922-WINE „ . (516) 922-9463 not a pay service, just a local call ... ****** You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please reply to this e-mail with the word "unlist" in the subject line. thanks, a JokeLand E-Mail JokeLand Inc. Box 58 Bayville, NY 11709 USA EFTA_R1_00608577 EFTA02061955