Re: New Draft

podesta-emails 1,046 words email

P17 V16 D3 D6 V11

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Should have been clearer that I'm concerned more about concision than length. On Thu, Jun 11, 2015 at 9:55 AM, John Anzalone <[email protected]> wrote: > I am all for cutting excess language but also don't want to cut for > cutting sake. What is this timing out at now? > > John Anzalone > Anzalone Liszt Grove Research > 334-387-3121. Office > @AnzaloneLiszt > > On Jun 11, 2015, at 8:50 AM, Lissa Muscatine <[email protected]> wrote: > > Shorter is better. Simpler is better. And even adding bio info should > not add length. Each anecdote and story just needs to be distilled to its > essence. The speech is still way too long. To be effective and remotely > memorable it needs to be shorter and definitely more concise. There is a > lot of excess language that can be cut, which will help. The policy > sections need to be reined in. I've made some suggestions to Dan but just > wanted to add my two cents to the earlier messages going around. > > On Thu, Jun 11, 2015 at 8:38 AM, John Anzalone <[email protected]> > wrote: > >> I had the opposite reaction to Joel/Mandy and thought this version was >> tighter and flowed nicely given Dan was incorporating the comments or >> twelve people from Tuesday. I do not really see any more FDR than the >> other version and think the FDR words/imagery does a good job on segueing >> into the WJC/Obama mention but also tees up the basic bargain nicely. >> >> I am fine going back to the “it’s wrong” lead for the Republican >> contrast but thought we told Dan Tuesday to back off of some of the other >> Republican bashing which I think is the right move. >> >> To Joel’s point about transitions, I also wonder if that can be helped >> not only by working on the transition lines but also notes to her in parens >> about pauses or other techniques for the listener that she is moving to >> another section. Also to Joel’s point I think there can always be more >> economic language but in earlier conversation about this speech it seemed >> like we were willing to sacrifice some time to beef up the bio sections in >> a couple of places because this would be one of our few opportunities to >> get that story out. >> >> Again, I thought Dan got very close to the direction we all gave on >> Tuesday. I thought there was an efficiency of language that made it flow. >> >> Here are my other comments I sent Dan last night: >> >> My big comment is — The length no longer worries me. This is her day >> with a big crowd and they are out there to hear her. Let her go. This is >> a manageable length for such an important day and powerful message. I >> would not angst over cutting this down too much. These people will be out >> here to hear a big speech. They are not going to church hoping the sermon >> will be short and sweet. >> >> 1: I worry that the “gray hair” joke is too early now but don’t have a >> solution >> >> 2: “still sounds pretty good to me” after reading the FDR quote seems >> too cute/light for such a serious statement. “This is still profoundly >> true today” or something like that >> >> 3: page 6 when you talk about immigrants I strongly suggest you add >> the word “work” as in “work hard and love their country.” >> >> 4: Page 10, the second paragraph on walking away from coal miners >> seems out of place, too specific and an option to cut. >> >> 5: Page 10, line about corporate America stepping up. Just feels like >> there should be a follow up sentence. Maybe reinforcing what you say late >> about responsibility to worker and community and not just shareholders and >> stock prices. >> >> 6: Page 14 on the third fight I think you could cut some of this in >> particular the “it’s not smart that the republicans running for >> President….” I just don’t think it adds much and the national security >> contrast is not red meat for this crowd. >> >> 7: small point but when you say “my granddaughter” on the last page I >> would name her and add “Charlotte.” that is what a grandmother would do. >> >> Thanks for all your hard work. Can’t wait to hear her give it Saturday >> >> >> >> >> — John Anzalone >> Anzalone Liszt Grove Research >> 334-387-3121 >> www.algpolling.com >> twitter: @AnzaloneLiszt >> >> >> From: Dan Schwerin <[email protected]> >> Date: Wednesday, June 10, 2015 at 5:09 PM >> To: David Binder <[email protected]>, John Anzalone < >> [email protected]>, Joel Beneneson <[email protected]>, Jim Margolis >> <[email protected]>, Mindy Grunwald <[email protected]>, Jennifer >> Palmieri <[email protected]>, Kristina Schake < >> [email protected]>, Robby Mook <[email protected]>, Huma >> Abedin <[email protected]>, Lissa Muscatine <[email protected]>, >> John Podesta <[email protected]> >> Subject: New Draft >> >> Team, the Secretary asked me to share this latest draft with all of >> you and said that she'd love thoughts overnight. >> >> This version reflects our conversation yesterday and a big thanks to >> Mandy for sending additional suggestions on how to beef up the policy >> section. >> >> One thing to keep in mind as you read is that it would be great to find >> places to cut. >> >> Thanks >> Dan >> > >