Re: Next steps on speech draft

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think we have to get it to her, but I'm not sure what the headline would be, and that concerns me. I am the minority voice on this I know point but I don't think unlocking potential is not a vision, it's a means to an end. So I'm still struggling with that as such a central idea. But as Jen said, we should get to her and proceed with Jen's plan to have Dan have pen. Sent from my iPhone > On Jun 4, 2015, at 9:15 PM, Mandy Grunwald <[email protected]> wrote: > > I like a lot of it. > > Agree about the need for more Dorothy. > > I wish there were other personal touches as well. > > Two things we might address quickly: > > Is the GOP bogus issue quote on equal pay one of the things she was criticized for taking out of context? If so, we should change this. HRC was bothered by that, > > I am also concerned that they do not give first woman president a proper section and applause line. > > I have more specific comments but nothing else that needs to be dealt with before it goes to HRC. > > On the question of who gets the pen, I defer to you. > > I am co > > Mandy Grunwald > Grunwald Communications > 202 973-9400 > > >> On Jun 4, 2015, at 8:51 PM, Jennifer Palmieri <[email protected]> wrote: >> >> All of you should have Lissa and Jon's revised draft. >> >> It is good. Has some great, tight riffs in it. I particularly like the formulation on why she is running for President and tying that back to the Methodist creed. >> >> It achieves some, but not all of our speech take aways. Still needs a slogan, needs more on Dorothy, and I not sure it gives you the clear sense of where she would take the county. >> >> I don't think it quite captures HRC's vision. The theme I see emerging is that making progress is hard and you have to stick with it - as opposed to HRC's belief that talent is universal, everyone has a role to play, unlocking potential, etc.. >> >> Dan is going to add more on Dorothy and the HRC vision to the Lissa draft and send that back around to this group tonight and to HRC. >> >> Robby, John's and my belief is that Dan should have the pen going forward and manage edits with input and writing from Lissa and Jon. I called Lissa to tell her that Dan would manage the process going forward. She thinks that is a mistake and does not believe it will work. Just want to be upfront about that. I assume Joel and Mandy will hear from her, too. I still believe having Dan manage the process is best of not great options at this point. If HRC has a different reaction after seeing the speech, we can adjust. >> >> What's everyone's reaction to the new draft? 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[64.78.22.122]) by mx.google.com with ESMTPS id g16si8457377pdl.216.2015.06.04.18.50.44 for <[email protected]> (version=TLSv1 cipher=RC4-SHA bits=128/128); Thu, 04 Jun 2015 18:50:45 -0700 (PDT) Received-SPF: pass (google.com: domain of [email protected] designates 64.78.22.122 as permitted sender) client-ip=64.78.22.122; Authentication-Results: mx.google.com; spf=pass (google.com: domain of [email protected] designates 64.78.22.122 as permitted sender) [email protected] Received: from localhost (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by exrmfcrg2-2.serverdata.net (Postfix) with ESMTP id F22FA28CB0A; Thu, 4 Jun 2015 18:50:43 -0700 (PDT) X-Relayed-From: 10.254.254.32 X-Relayed-From-Added: Yes X-Virus-Scanned: by amavisd-new at exrmfcrg2-2.serverdata.net Received: from public2-exrmfcrg2-2.serverdata.net ([10.254.254.56]) by localhost (exrmfcrg2-2.serverdata.net [127.0.0.1]) (amavisd-new, port 10024) with ESMTP id KBaUT8ItehRa; Thu, 4 Jun 2015 18:50:42 -0700 (PDT) Received: from exmr-vx1-2.serverpod.net (unknown [10.254.254.32]) by exrmfcrg2-2.serverdata.net (Postfix) with ESMTP id 6DFC728CB44; Thu, 4 Jun 2015 18:50:42 -0700 (PDT) Received: from HUB031-CO-2.exch031.domain.local (unknown [10.224.113.43]) by exmr-vx1-2.serverpod.net (Postfix) with ESMTP id 555B03C7AB; Thu, 4 Jun 2015 18:50:42 -0700 (PDT) Received: from MBX031-W1-CO-6.exch031.domain.local ([10.224.113.72]) by HUB031-CO-2.exch031.domain.local ([10.224.113.43]) with mapi id 14.03.0224.002; Thu, 4 Jun 2015 18:50:41 -0700 From: Joel Benenson <[email protected]> To: Mandy Grunwald <[email protected]> CC: Jennifer Palmieri <[email protected]>, John Podesta <[email protected]>, Robby Mook <[email protected]>, =?us-ascii?Q?Kristina=0D=0A_Schake?= <[email protected]>, Jim Margolis <[email protected]>, Jake Sullivan <[email protected]> Subject: Re: Next steps on speech draft Thread-Topic: Next steps on speech draft Thread-Index: AQHQnynMTGGcFBjg10qDAELx+0zO5p2dkT4A//+UfC4= Date: Fri, 5 Jun 2015 01:50:41 +0000 Message-ID: <[email protected]> References: <CAH2oiqK5r-pwrLb6v72Zu08Q2sHcHSeB8WAbhWVLGjJErsRGSw@mail.gmail.com>,<[email protected]> In-Reply-To: <[email protected]> Accept-Language: en-US Content-Language: en-US X-MS-Has-Attach: X-MS-TNEF-Correlator: Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable MIME-Version: 1.0 X-CMAE-Score: 0 X-CMAE-Analysis: v=2.1 cv=G9DhaIQ5 c=1 sm=1 tr=0 a=liT8C2TSeTmK6A9xjbZqWg==:117 a=dIi01Yb0AAAA:8 a=l78G-EriAAAA:8 a=kj9zAlcOel0A:10 a=bv8XOjsAAAAA:8 a=XAFQembCKUMA:10 a=3oc9M9_CAAAA:8 a=hzu4fsxdAAAA:8 a=0c45Io7G3UVefGlejikA:9 a=CjuIK1q_8ugA:10 a=A4Eg3tGXNCUA:10 I think we have to get it to her, but I'm not sure what the headline would = be, and that concerns me.=20 I am the minority voice on this I know point but I don't think unlocking po= tential is not a vision, it's a means to an end. So I'm still struggling wi= th that as such a central idea.=20 But as Jen said, we should get to her and proceed with Jen's plan to have D= an have pen.=20 Sent from my iPhone > On Jun 4, 2015, at 9:15 PM, Mandy Grunwald <[email protected]> wrote: >=20 > I like a lot of it. >=20 > Agree about the need for more Dorothy. >=20 > I wish there were other personal touches as well. >=20 > Two things we might address quickly: >=20 > Is the GOP bogus issue quote on equal pay one of the things she was criti= cized for taking out of context? If so, we should change this. HRC was both= ered by that, >=20 > I am also concerned that they do not give first woman president a proper = section and applause line. >=20 > I have more specific comments but nothing else that needs to be dealt wit= h before it goes to HRC. >=20 > On the question of who gets the pen, I defer to you. >=20 > I am co >=20 > Mandy Grunwald > Grunwald Communications > 202 973-9400 >=20 >=20 >> On Jun 4, 2015, at 8:51 PM, Jennifer Palmieri <jpalmieri@hillaryclinton.= com> wrote: >>=20 >> All of you should have Lissa and Jon's revised draft.=20 >>=20 >> It is good. Has some great, tight riffs in it. I particularly like the= formulation on why she is running for President and tying that back to the= Methodist creed.=20 >>=20 >> It achieves some, but not all of our speech take aways. Still needs a s= logan, needs more on Dorothy, and I not sure it gives you the clear sense o= f where she would take the county. =20 >>=20 >> I don't think it quite captures HRC's vision. The theme I see emerging = is that making progress is hard and you have to stick with it - as opposed = to HRC's belief that talent is universal, everyone has a role to play, unlo= cking potential, etc.. >>=20 >> Dan is going to add more on Dorothy and the HRC vision to the Lissa draf= t and send that back around to this group tonight and to HRC. =20 >>=20 >> Robby, John's and my belief is that Dan should have the pen going forwar= d and manage edits with input and writing from Lissa and Jon. I called Lis= sa to tell her that Dan would manage the process going forward. She thinks= that is a mistake and does not believe it will work. Just want to be upfr= ont about that. I assume Joel and Mandy will hear from her, too. I still be= lieve having Dan manage the process is best of not great options at this po= int. If HRC has a different reaction after seeing the speech, we can adjus= t. =20 >>=20 >> What's everyone's reaction to the new draft? =20