EFTA01733150.pdf

From: Jackie Martling < Sent: Friday, December 18, 2015 11:56 PM To: [email protected] Subject: see Jackie in Philadelphia! big 2015 Holiday Special ! download <http://store.oglio.com/jm6cdhs> all six of my wild Oglio dirty jokes CD's <http://store.oglio.com/jm6cdhs> only $20! plus! ... you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song" Jackie's 6 CD Holiday Special <http://store.oglio.com/jm6cdhs> 8pm Saturday, January 30th with Very Special Guest Rich Harkaway! The Rrazz Room <http://princetheater.org/events/jackie-martling> Inside The Prince Theater Philadelphia, Pennsylvania princetheater.org/therrazzroom <http://princetheater.org/events/jackie-martling> Dirty Johnny's parents take him to see Santa Claus, and Johnny climbs up on his knee. Santa says, "What do you want for Christmas?" He taps Johnny on the nose as he says, "Some t-o-y-s?" Johnny taps Santa's nose the same way and says, "No, I've got lots of t-o-y-s." Santa taps, "Do you want some c-a-n-d-y?" Johnny taps back, "No, I got tons of stupid c-a-n-d-y." Santa says, "Well, what do you want?" Johnny taps on Santa's nose, "Some p-u-s-s-y, and I know you can get me some, because can I smell it on your fingers." Guiseppi's an old lumberjack. He walks into a garden store and says, "Everybody, they keep-a say, 'Guiseppe, you gotta get-a you a chainsaw. You gotta get-a you a chainsaw, make-a you job much-a more easy. It make your job much-a more easy.' " The salesman sells him a chainsaw. A few days later, Guiseppi walks back into the store and says, "This-a chainsaw no make-a Guisseppi job-a no more easy. It no make-a Guiseppi job-a no easy." The salesman figures maybe it's not working, so he pulls the cord and starts it up, "Vrrr000mmm!" Guiseppi says, "Whats-a that noise?" EFTA_R1_00006851 EFTA01733150 last Christmas I got a shirt, a jacket, and a piece of ass ... ... and they were all too big. A little old lady gets on an elevator, and she's all alone, so she rips a huge fart, and then sprays Pine Scented Air Freshener. The elevator doors open at the 28th floor, a guy gets in, and he says, "Pee-yoo." She says, "What's wrong? Don't you like the air freshener?" The guy says, "Air freshener? It smells like somebody shit a Christmas tree." ***** •• • Friedman says to Greenstien, "My wife thinks she's a Christmas card." Greenstien says, "Why don't you send her to your psychiatrist?" Friedman says, "Why should I? He never sends me one." The great actor Peter O'Toole's father was a very thirsty bookie named Spats. He came home wasted one Christmas Eve, burst a paper bag, and told little Peter that Santa Claus had just shot himself. ***** *** It's Christmas Eve, and a little old lady goes into the butcher shop and walks over to where all the turkeys are hanging. She lifts up a turkey's wing and sniffs it. She lifts up another wing and sniffs it. She lifts up a leg and sniffs it. The butcher says, "Hey, lady, you think you could pass that test?" ***** *** I've always jerked off. I blame my father. One Christmas when I was a kid, I told him I wanted a jacket, and he showed me how. please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... glackieMartling Sabean wakes up one morning and there's a bear on his roof, so he looks in The Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bubba The Bear Remover." He calls the number, and Bubba says he'll be right over. In a little while, Bubba pulls up in a little van, opens the back, and unloads a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a flea-bitten old pit bull. Sabean says, "What are you going to do?" 2 EFTA_R1_00006852 EFTA01733151  Bubba says, "I'm gonna climb up there and knock the bear off the roof with this here baseball bat. After the bear falls off, this here pit bull, Booie, he's gonna grab the bear's testicles in his teeth, and ain't nothing make Booie let go. At that point, the bear'll be manageable enough for me to get him into the cage I got in the back of the van." Then Bubba hands the shotgun to Sabean. Sabean says, "What's the shotgun for?" Bubba says, "If the bear knocks me off the roof instead, shoot fucking Booie." What'd the mink want for Christmas? A full-length Jew. 8pm Wednesday, January 20th The 360 Bar <https://www.parxcasino.com/comedynight> Pa rx Casino <https://www.parxcasino.com/comedynight> Bensalem, Pennsylvania !MI] www.parxcasino.com <https://www.parxcasino.com/comedynight> 8pm Saturday, January 30th with Special Guest Rich Harkaway! The Rrazz Room <http://princetheater.org/events/jackie-martling> Inside The Prince Theater <http://princetheater.org/events/jackie-martling> Philadelphia, Pennsylvania princetheater.org/therrazzroom <http://princetheater.org/events/jackie-martling> 7:30pm Saturday, February 6th with Special Guest Michele Balan The Rrazz Room <http://ev5.evenue.net/cgi- bin/ncommerce3/SEGetEventInfo?ticketCode=GS%3ACSCC%3AC15%3ABALA01%3A&IinkID=pfm- coralsprings&shopperContext=&pc=&caller=&appCode=&_ga=1.263244812.1403855152.1449031204> at Coral Springs Center For The Arts <http://ev5.evenue.net/cgi- bin/ncommerce3/SEGetEventInfo?ticketCode=GS%3ACSCC%3AC15%3ABALA01%3A&IinkID=pfm- coralsprings&shopperContext=&pc=&caller=&appCode=&ga=1.263244812.1403855152.1449031204> 2855 Coral Springs Drive Coral Springs, Florida tix (954) 344-5990 3 EFTA_R1_00006853 EFTA01733152 coralspringscenterforthearts.com <http://ev5.evenue.net/cgi- bin/ncommerce3/SEGetEventInfo?ticketCode=GSVJACSCC%3AC15%3ABALA01%3A&IinkID=pfm- coralsprings&shopperContext=&pc=&caller=&appCode=&_ga=1.263244812.1403855152.1449031204> 8pm Saturday, February 13th McGuire's <http://mcguirescomedyshows.com/> Bohemia, Long Island, New York mcguirescomedyshows.com <http://mcguirescomedyshows.com/> 9pm Fri., 7pm & 9:30pm Sat. February 26-27th Stitches Comedy Club <http://stitchescomedy.com/events/special-event-jackie-martling/> Lancaster Family Resort Lancaster, Pennsylvania tickets stitchescomedy.com <http://stitchescomedy.com/events/special-event-jackie-martling/> 9pm Thu-Fri-Sat, March 3-4-5th with Kevin Meaney & Rich Purpura Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa <https://www.theborgata.com/shows/events/all- events?namer&date=&venue=THE+MUSIC+BOX> Atlantic City, New Jersey tix 1-866-900-4849 TheBorgata.com <https://www.theborgata.com/shows/events/all-events?namet&date=&venue=THE+MUSIC+BOX> 8pm Friday & Saturday, March 25-26th Boca Black Box Comedy Club <http://bocablackbox.com/events/index23.php> Boca Raton, Florida bocablackbox.com <http://bocablackbox.com/events/index23.php> **s♦♦ss The Holidays! New Year's Eve! all I want for Christmas is for it to be a little longer between Christmases! Jesus Christ, we just did this! it's been a fine year. 4 EFTA_R1_00006854 EFTA01733153  my johnson still operates, I have some hair left, my cat claws me regularly and I still love some of my friends ... you'll notics I had to throw in a few All-Time Christmas Favorites ... please come out to a show and say hey ... when's the last time you "Used Your Finger" and dialed ( ?! still going, 36 years later ... [ please spread the word about this silly list. Jackie the new adult toy store chain? Toys-In-Us ... s•••• big Holiday Special ! download <http://store.oglio.com/jm6cdhs> all six of my wild dirty jokes Oglio CD's only $20! plus! ... you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song" ! Jackie's 6 CD Holiday Special <http://store.oglio.com/jm6cdhs> A Spanish guy comes before a judge, and the judge says, "Why are you here?" The Spanish guy says, "I'm accused of starting my Christmas shopping early." The judge says, "That's not a crime. How early did you do it?" He guy says, "Before the store was open." yep, it's The JokeLand E-Mail List! free yuks! please tell everybody you know! free jokes! free jokes! ... by just e-mailing me, Minervini says to Hawthorne, "How's your wife?" Hawthorne says, "Better than nothing." A lady says to her husband, "I had a dream last night. It was Christmas, and the tree was decorated with penises. Long ones, short ones, white ones, black ones, circumcised, un-circumcised...and at the top of the tree was the perfect penis." The husband says, "Was that mine?" 5 EFTA_R1_00006855 EFTA01733154  She says, "No, yours was being hid by one of those little lights." He says, "You know, I had a dream, too." She says, "Really?" He says, "Yep. It was Christmas, and the tree was decorated with vaginas. Little ones, big ones, shaved ones, bushy ones ... and at he top of the tree was the perfect vagina." She says "Was that mine?" He says, "No, they were using yours as the tree stand." speaking of Astrology, my sister-in-law is a cancer ... and coincidentally, it's also her her star-sign. Abraham's walking through the desert and he hasn't eaten for days. On Christmas Day, he comes across a church, goes in, kneels at the altar, and prays, "God, please give me some food." A lump of meat drops at his feet and he eats it. He comes back every day with the same request, and every day he's rewarded, until one day a hand drops at his feet. He looks up, and he sees a leper painting the ceiling. DePace is working at a checkout counter over the Christmas Holidays to make a little extra cash because InDemand television doesn't pay him very well. He says to a customer, "Jesus Christ, lady, you're about the ugliest broad I've ever seen." She says, "I didn't come here to be insulted." He says, "Really? Where do you usually go?" Late last year I was getting out the Christmas decorations when I found a beautifully wrapped box that must have fallen behind some junk in the attic when I was bringing down the presents on Christmas Eve the year before. I couldn't wait to give it to my kids. You should have seen their faces on Christmas Eve when they unwrapped the box and found their puppy. * ***** ** The World's Best Gifts <http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_0?fst=as:off&rh=n:5174,k:jackie%20martling&keywords=jackie%20martling&i e=UTF8&qid=1424197160&rnid=2941120011&tag=viglink128354-20> ! they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio <http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_0?fst=as:off&rh=n:5174,k:jackie%20martling&keywords=jackie%20martling&i e=UTF8&qid=1424197160&rnid=2941120011&tag=viglink128354-20> joke CD's ... hard copies or downloads! The Joke Man, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?, F. jackie & snart 6 EFTA_R1_00006856 EFTA01733155 are available on Amazon <http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2/177-8057800-1132914?url=search- alias%3Dpopular&field-keywords=jackie+martling> , iTune <https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/jackie- martling/id22611176> s ( snart is on sale! ), and at Oglio.com <http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_0?fst=as:off&rh=n:5174,k:jackie%20martling&keywords=jackie%20martling&i e=UTF8&qid=1424197160&rnid=2941120011&tag=viglink128354-20> It's Christmas Eve, Jena's late for a party, and she's in line buying a last-minute Christmas present. When she finally gets to the front, the clerk has his back to her. Jena says, "Hey, I'm in a hurry, could you please check me out?" The clerk turns around, looks her up and down, and says, "Great tits, lady." please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST @JackieMartling *•* ***** What would you call a lesbian brothel? A liquor store. this is the Bad Section: It's Christmas morning and two brothers come downstairs. The first one says, "Ah-hah, I got more toys than you." The second one says, "Ah-hah, I don't have cancer." A kid says to his father, "I want a mountain bike for Christmas." His father says, "Not only are you a paraplegic, but you're stupid, too." ... and huge thanks to Phil lazetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy <http://www.iheart.com/live/247-comedy-4902/> click to listen <http://www.iheart.com/live/247-comedy-4902/> ! he plays me a-plenty ... ******** this was on the Christmas card I got this year from my old college pal, Larry Wickett: I have a black eye. Last night we were lying in bed when my wife said, "I'm wide awake." I said, "You're wide when you're asleep, too." 7 EFTA_R1_00006857 EFTA01733156  My Uncle Louie was the worst ventriloquist ever. He used to stick two fingers up my ass and tell me not to say anything. Last Christmas my Aunt Sadie hung herself. Being part of a traditional family, we didn't take her down until the fifth of January. please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotify app and type in "Jackie Martling"... *•****** Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas? So the kids'll have something to unwrap. the $2.95 Guys <http://www.295guys.com/> are the official supplier of all JokeLand tees <http://www.295guys.com/> for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! dial ( 1! free jokes for The Universe since 1979... simply dial (516) 922-9463 ... ... not a pay service, just a regular call ... 36 years of free jokes! Minervini buys his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for a Christmas present. The next year, he doesn't get her a gift. She says, "Why didn't I get a Christmas gift from you this year?" He says, "You never used the one I got you last year." this is The JokeLand E-Mail List. if you're not supposed to be on this train, please disembark & et off now. ... and please tell anybody who wants to get on to email me, The kids all bring in Christmas presents for the teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter walks up and gives her a basket of fruit. Then the florist's son gives her flowers, and the candy store owner's daughter gives her a box of candy. Then the liquor store owner's son brings up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifts it up and notices the box is leaking. 8 EFTA_R1_00006858 EFTA01733157  She touches a drop of the liquid with her finger and tastes it. She says, "Is it wine?" The kid says, "No, it's a puppy." for the kids: What should you say when you meet a ghost? "How do you boo?" What part of a tree scares a cat? The bark. Why did the turkey cross the road? Because the chicken needed a day off. Why do cows enjoy jokes? Because they like being amoosed. Mrs. Jones says to her neighbor, "Our dog's just like one of the family." Her neighbor says, "Really? Which one?" END of KIDS' SECTION Why'd the gay guy nickname his lifemate Fido? he likes burying his bone in the back, in the mud ... Late one very cold Eve in the early 1600's, Santa was having a rough time. He was very hung over and dealing with a nasty bout of diarrhea, Mrs. Claus was very moody from hot flashes, there was reindeer crap all over the front yard of his North Pole workshop, the elves were all drunk and nothing was getting done. Dolls were breaking, train sets weren't working, his tools had been scattered all over the place, he was out of rum, and Santa was really on edge, at his wit's end. Then there came a knock on the door. Santa answered it, and there was an angel. She said, "Santa, what would you like me to do with this one last Christmas tree?" What's Oprah getting for Christmas? Even fatter. Did you hear about the guy who's addicted to Viagra? 9 EFTA_R1_00006859 EFTA01733158 ... too hard to quit. A farmer and his kids are watching out the window on Christmas Eve when they hear a big crash behind the house. The farmer runs out onto the back porch and sees that Santa's sleigh and eight tiny reindeer had crashed into the outhouse and are covered from head to toe in poop. Then he hears Santa exclaim as they ride out of sight, "Damn it, Rudolph, I told you the Schmidt house." thanks for enjoying this month's crop of fun ... ... if you didn't like jokes, why don't you walk into a Kentucky Fried Chicken and lick everybody's fingers? please follow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling www.jokeland.com caoldb://mail/write/www.jokeland.com> for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-six years of free jokes! and dial ... (516) 922-9463 not a pay service, just a local call ... You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please reply to this e-mail with the word "unlist" in the subject line. thanks, a JokeLand E-Mail JokeLand Inc. Box 58 Bayville, NY 11709 USA This email was sent by JokeLand, Inc., located at Box 58, Bayville, NY 11709 (USA). You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the Jokeland website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please click here or reply to this email with "unlist" in the Subject line. 10 EFTA_R1_00006860 EFTA01733159 date-last-viewed 0.0 date-received 1450486637 flags 8590195712 remote-id 15068 11 EFTA_R1_00006861 EFTA01733160