EFTA01785860.pdf

From: Jackie Martling < Sent: Friday, November 18, 2016 9:57 PM To: [email protected] Subject: see Jackie in Bohemia LI, Bensalem, Philadelphia! Three kids are talking about Christmas. The first kid says, "My Pop hides the Christmas presents in the attic." The second kid says, "My father hides the Christmas presents in the basement." The third kid says, "My old man hides the Christmas presents in his pants." The first kid says, "What?" The third kid says, "Yeah. When I told my old man I wanted a bike for Christmas, he grabbed his crotch and said, 'I got your bike right here.— Thanksgiving! ... and I just finished my leftovers ... my favorite thing to do? run a nice hot bath, light a few candles & pour a glass of wine ... then I know after forty minutes of answering e-mail I'll have a nice clean girlfriend ... many people ask me about masturbation ... the truth? I've always had a problem ... Boy Scout Camp we had a masturbation contest ... I finished first and third. Elias Plagianos' sitcom, "Shoot Me Nicely" ... with Linda Hamilton, John Behlmann, William Sadler, Josh Burrow & me ... is about to be picked up for six episodes! yay! my biggest news! I just signed a deal for my autobiography ... any questions you want answered? e-mail me! please tell everybody you know that to get on the list for monthly jokes, to just e-mail me, [email protected] when's the last time you "Used Your Finger!" and dialed (516) 922-WINE ?! still going, 37 years later ... 1516-922-9463 ] and always remember: if the Pilgrims had shot a bobcat instead of a turkey, we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving Long Island! I hope to see you at McGuire's Comedy Club in Bohemia on Long Island, 7pm Saturday, December 3rd! Jackie EFTA_R1_00108273 EFTA01785860  Rosegarten buys a robot that slaps people if they lie. He decides to test it out, so he brings the family and the robot into the kitchen after they eat. He says to his son, "What'd you do before dinner?" His son says, "I did my homework," and the robot slaps the kid. His son says, "Okay, okay, I was at Eddie's watching a movie." Rosegarten says, "What kind of movie?" His son says, "Harry Potter," and the robot slaps the kid again. The son says, "Okay, okay, we watched some porn." Rosegarten says, "Porn? When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was" ... and the robot slaps Rosegarten. Rosegarten's wife says, "He's your son, all right." ... and the robot slaps her. A guy wakes up in a hospital bed. He says, "Doc, I can't feel my legs." The doctor says, 'That's because we amputated both of your arms." Christmas is going to be rough on Santa this year ... he's down to six reindeer. Comet went down the drain and Prancer movied in with a Beverly Hills hairdresser ... A midget goes into an unemployment office to apply for a job as a lumberjack. The interviewer says, "Are you kidding me? Have you got any experience?" The midget says, "I used to work in the Sahara Forest." The interviewer says, "The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" The midget says, "Maybe now." 7pm Saturday, December 3rd "McGuire's Comedy Club" 1627 Smithtown Avenue Bohemia, New York (631) 467-5413 mcguirescomedyshows.com ****• rs 8pm Wednesday, December 14th Joe Conklin's Comedy Night The 360 Lounge "Parx Casino" 2999 Street Road Bensalem, Pennsylvania parxcasino.com 2 EFTA_R1_00108274 EFTA01785861 8pm Saturday, January 21st "The Levoy Theatre" 126-130 North High St. Millville NJ 08332 (856) 327-6400 levoy.net 8pm Friday, January 27th with Rich Harkaway "The Suffolk Theatre" 118 East Main St. Riverhead NY 11901 Box Office (631) 727-4343 suffolktheater.com 8pm Saturday, January 28th with Rich Harkaway "The Razz Room inside The Prince Theatre" 1412 Chestnut St. (215) 422-4580 princetheater.org/therrazzroom ***** **V Friday 8, Saturday 8-10, February 3-4th "Stitches Comedy Club" Lancaster Family Resort 2270 Lincoln Highway East Lancaster, Pennsylvania (717) 826-3472 stitchescomedy.com 8:30pm Saturday, February 11th "Ha! Comedy Club" 257 Market St. (1Ridge Hill Rd.) Yonkers, New York (914) 358-9260 www.haridgehill.com all show info on jokeland.com 3 EFTA_R1_00108275 EFTA01785862  The Polish general's about to go into battle, and he can't decide which uniform to wear. One of his top aides says, "Well, General, whenever Napoleon was about to go into battle, he'd put on a red uniform. That way, if he was wounded, his men wouldn't be able to tell, and they wouldn't panic." The general says, "Very good, Stukowski. Get me my brown uniform." An optometrist operates on a hippie painter's girlfriend saves her eyesight. The hippie painter is so grateful that he goes into the doctor's house one day while the doctor has office hours and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room, leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. He's just finishing up when the doctor walks in. The hippie painter snaps his fingers a few times and says to the doctor, "WelIll ... do you like it, man?" The doctor says, "Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. But I'll tell you, I'm certainly glad I'm not a gynecologist." The cops show up at the house. There's a guy lying there in a pool of blood and a woman holding a bloody 5-iron. One of the cops says, "Is that your husband?" She says, "Yep." He says, "He's dead." She says, "Yep." He says, "Did you hit him with the golf club?" She says, "Yep." He says, "How many times?" She says, "I don't know. Four, five ... put me down for four." What're calories? Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter. Angelina goes into a confessional and says, "Please forgive me, Father. Yesterday my boyfriend and I had sex seven times. The Priest says, "My dear, go home, cut up seven lemons and suck all of the juice out of the pieces." Angelina says, "Will that cleanse me of my sins?" The Priest says, "No, but it'll take the stupid smile off your face." There's a huge seven-alarm bar fire in New York City and trucks are dispatched from all five boroughs. When it's finally under control, one of the fire chiefs walks in and there's two Irish guys standing at the bar. The chief says, "I can't believe you guys were in here through all this. How'd the fire start?" One of the Irish guys says, "We've no idea. It was burning when we came in." When do you know you're really stressed? 4 EFTA_R1_00108276 EFTA01785863  You wake up screaming and then realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... glackieMartling Newman stumbles into the house dead drunk, carrying a half-full bottle of Scotch. His wife's standing there, and she says, "Look at you. You're a disgrace. You've been drunk for fifteen years. Give me that bottle." He hands her the Scotch, she takes off the cap and she takes a big swig. She spits it out and goes, "Yuchh! That tastes horrible." He says, "A-and all this time you thought I was havin' f-fun." Why are women called the opposite sex? Because men think anal sex is a great idea, and women think just the opposite. Minervini says to a psychiatrist, "Doc, every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. If I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under, you gotta help me, I'm losing it." The doctor says, "You just need to put yourself in my hands. See me three times a week for two years and I'll cure all of your fears." Minervini says, "How much do you charge?" The doctor says, "Two hundred dollars per visit." Minervini says, "I'll sleep on it." Six months later Minervini runs into the doctor on the street. The doctor says, "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" Minervini says, "For two hundred dollars a visit? A bartender cured me for ten bucks." The doctor says, "Is that so! How?" Minervini says, "He told me to cut the legs off the fucking bed." What's brown and full of holes? Swiss shit. A little girl comes out of the bathroom and her mother's making a cake. She says, "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?" Her mother says, "Will you flush it like everybody else?" 5 EFTA_R1_00108277 EFTA01785864  A fat middle-aged guy walks into a department store, and a really cute salesgirl says, "What would you like?" He says, "I'd like to suck on your pussy until your head caves in, what I need is a pair of socks." How can you tell when your wife has leprosy? The soap in the shower keeps getting bigger. A shipwrecked crew is in a lifeboat for ten days and they've got nothing left to eat. The captain says, "I'm going to kill myself and you men can eat my body." As he lifts a revolver to his ear, one of the men says, "Captain, don't fire! Stop!" The captain looks over and says "Why?" The sailor says, "Please don't shoot yourself in the head. Brains are my favorite dish." Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke-filled room when the Chief walks in. The chief says, "What the hell's going on?" The guy in the back says, "Rosolino here passed out from smoke inhalation." The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation." The guy says, "I did, Chief. That's how this shit got started." What's the last line of the obituary of the world's angriest person? In lieu of flowers, go fuck yourself. Special! download! download six of my wild dirty jokes Oglio CD's only $20! plus! ... you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song" ! Jackie's 6 CD Special! An eighty-year-old couple's having trouble remembering things so they go to see their doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong. After he examines them, the doctor says, "You're both physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things." That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair. His wife says, "Where are you going?" He says, "To the kitchen." 6 EFTA_R1_00108278 EFTA01785865  She says, "Will you get me some vanilla ice cream?" He says, "All right." She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?" He says, "I don't have to write it down ... vanilla ice cream." She says, "Could I have strawberries and whip cream?" He says, "All right." She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?" He says, "I don't have to write it down ... vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She says, "You forgot my fucking toast." yep, it's The JokeLand E-Mail List! free yuks! please tell everybody you know! free jokes! free jokes! ... by just e-mailing me, [email protected] Galluccio gets a text from his neighbor, "I'm really sorry, Felix, I've been saddled with so much guilt that I have to confess. I've been tapping your wife day & night when you're not home. In fact, probably a lot more than you. I don't get it at home, but that's no excuse. I just can't deal with the guilt any more ... I hope you'll accept my apology and my promise that it won't happen again." Galluccio grabs his gun, storms into his wife's bedroom and shoots her. A few minutes later, he gets another text: "Fucking Autocorrect. I meant will, not wife." Did you hear about the Polish guy who bought a toilet brush? Two weeks later he went back to paper. A girl goes to the doctor with her knees all cut up. The doctor says, "What happened to your knees?" She says, "It's from making love doggie-style." She says, "Yeah ... but my doggie don't." What's the difference between a rectum and an asshole? You can stick a finger in a rectum ... but you can put your whole arm around an asshole. *•****** The Lone Ranger and Tonto are asleep in the desert. 7 EFTA_R1_00108279 EFTA01785866  In the middle of the night, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemosabe, look toward sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger says, "I see millions of stars." Tonto says, "What that tell you, Kemosabe?" The Lone Ranger says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are countless galaxies and potentially billions of planets, at once making me realize how incredibly insignificant we are. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" "Somebody steal-um fucking tent." The World's Best Gifts! they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio joke CD's ... hard copies or downloads! The Joke Man, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?, F. jackie & snart are available on Amazon, iTunes ( snart is on sale! ), and at Oglio.com Leroy goes to a revival meeting to listen to the preacher. The preacher says, "Whoever needs to be healed-UH .. come for-ward-UH ... come to the al-tar-UH ... ask for the heal-ing-UH ..." Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher says, "All right, boy, what do you need me to pray for, for you?" Leroy says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, puts the other hand on top of Leroy's head, and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher takes his hands away, stands back, and says, "Boy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, yet, Rev. My hearing ain't 'til next Wednesday." *•**•*** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST @JackieMartling What's the new Asian search engine? Gookle. ... and huge thanks to Phil lazzetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy he plays me a-plenty ... 8 EFTA_R1_00108280 EFTA01785867 ***** **• What would you call eight days of blow jobs by candlelight? Honica Lewinsky. Ingegno runs into a store real quick and's only in there about five minutes. When he comes out, there's a damn Brownie, a traffic cop, writing him a parking ticket because the meter'd run out. He says to her, "Come on, it's a New Year, how about a break?" She ignores him and keeps writing the ticket. He says, "You Nazi whore." She gives him a filthy look and then starts writing him another ticket, because the car wasn't exactly in the parking spot. He says, "You ugly pig." She says, "You want a me to put a third ticket on this car?" He says, "Who gives a fuck? My car's parked around the corner." *•* ***** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotify app and type in "Jackie Martling" ... What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle? A dead poodle with a huge asshole. the $2.95 Guys are the official supplier of all Jokeland tees PikCARDS are the greatest! terrific ads for your band! please take a look! www.pikcard.com A new monk arrives to join the others copying ancient records and notices they're copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand. He says, "Forgive me, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying somebody else's mistakes?" 9 EFTA_R1_00108281 EFTA01785868  The head monk says, "That's a good point, my son. I will take one of these new copies down to my vault and study it against the original document." The old monk goes into the vault to study. The day passes, and it's getting late in the evening, and the other monks start to get worried about him, so one of them goes looking for him. As he's walking through the catacombs, he hears sobbing. He says, "Holy Father?" The sobbing gets louder as he gets near. Finally he finds the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. He says, "Father, what's wrong?" The old monk says, "The word is celebrate." for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! dial (516) 922-WINE ! free jokes for The Universe since 1979... simply dial (516) 922-9463 ... ... not a pay service, just a regular call ... 37 years of free jokes! Pinkerton and DiNapoli are walking when they see two dogs fucking on the lawn. Pinkerton says, "Damn, I sure would like to get my old lady that way." DiNapoli says, "It's easy. Just give her two shots of Tequila and a few beers. Then you can fuck her however you want." The next day they run into each other. Pinkerton says, "It worked." DiNapoli says, "You gave her the two shots?" I Pinkerton says, ""No, I actually had to give her four shots." DiNapoli says, "Four? Why four?" Pinkerton says, "Two to get her in the mood, and two to get her out on the front lawn." for the kids: Knock, knock... Who's there? Atch Atch who? God Bless You. Who steals chopped meat? A hamburglar. What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Take him out for pizza and ice cream. Why'd the car get a stomach ache? 10 EFTA_R1_00108282 EFTA01785869  It had a lot of gas. Who's corn's father? Popcorn. What'd the cat say to the elephant? Meow. End of Kids' Section! A crane's standing in a foot of water when he bends over and swallows an eel. The eel wiggles down the crane's throat, through his stomach, and out his ass. Real quick, the crane bends over and swallows the eel again. The eel wiggles down the crane's throat, through his stomach, and out his ass again. Now the crane's pissed off ... real quickly he bends over and swallows the eel again. As the eel's wiggling his way down the crane's throat, the crane bends all the way over, sticks his bill deep into his asshole, and says, "Loop the loop, mother fucker." x••s••s Schneider washes up on a deserted island with Taylor Swift. After a week of badgering her, she finally has sex with him. Another three weeks go by, and then one day he says to her, 'Taylor, would you please do me a favor? Would you put on this fake beard and moustache and walk around the island?" Taylor agrees, puts them on, and takes off around the island. Schneider walks around the island the other way, and when he finally sees Taylor Swift coming from the opposite direction, he runs up to her and says, "You won't believe who I'm fucking." Fasulo says, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass Of Home."' The doctor says, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." Fasulo says, "Is that common?" The doctor says, "It's not unusual." Blair says to his doctor, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every morning I wake up and fuck my wife. I car pool with the neighbor's wife, and on the way to work she gives me a blow job. Whenever I go into the copy room, I bang one of the office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary to a hotel and fuck her in her ass, because that's the way she likes it. During the afternoon coffee break, I fuck the boss's wife. Then I go home and the maid either sucks my cock or bends over so I can give it to her doggie style. And then at night, I fuck my wife again." The doctor says, "So what's your problem?" He says, "It hurts when I jerk off." Why'd the coal miner's wife start to cry when he took off his pants? His cock was clean. 11 EFTA_R1_00108283 EFTA01785870  A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest bangs on the wall. The drunk says, "F-forget it, buddy. Th-there's no paper in this one, either." *it*** * • What would you call a Pakistani woman on tranquilizers? Dot calm.. It's very late and Mrs. Lombardi walks in a half day early from being out of town. She runs right up the stairs and opens the door to her bedroom. Sticking out from under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. When she can't hold the bat any more, she throws it to the floor and goes down to the kitchen to have a drink. When she walks in, there's her husband at the table, reading a magazine. He says, "Wow, you're home early, huh? Your parents came for a surprise visit, so I let them have our bed." Norris says to Favale, "You getting any on the side?" Favale says, "I haven't had any in so long, I didn't even know they moved it." Mrs. Pascucci gets out of the shower, slips, and falls so hard that a vacuum's created in her pussy when she lands spread-eagled on the floor and she gets stuck. Her husband tries to lift her up but she won't budge. He pushes her shoulders back and forth, but it's like she's glued there. He goes next door and gets the neighbor and then both of them pull like oxen, but she just won't budge. The neighbor says, "Hey, I'll just go and get my hammer and we'll bust up the tiles up around her thighs. That'll break the suction and then we can lift her up." Pascucci says, "That's a good idea. But first let me twist her nipples a little and get her aroused." The neighbor says, "Why in hell would you do that?" Pascucci says, "I want to get her lubed up so we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper." *** ***** be sure to marry for personality, not looks. ... when a woman's young, her hair will be down to her waist and her boobs will stuck out ... ... in a few years, her boobs will be down to her waist and her hair will stick out. A very rich and very pompous old lady goes to the doctor. She says, "Doctor, I am one of the world's richest women, and have never experienced being pregnant. I'd like you to perform some kind of operation so I may feel quite what it's like to be pregnant." 12 EFTA_R1_00108284 EFTA01785871  The doctor says, "Okay, Ma'am, step into the examination room, I'll see what I can do." She goes into the back room, and the doctor works on her for a while.When he's done, she pats him on the head and leaves the office. The next day, she calls the doctor. She says, "Doctor, I don't feel pregnant." He says, "You will in a few days, lady. I stitched your asshole shut." The judge says, "Mr. Friedman, you're here because you had sex with your wife after she was dead." Friedman says, "Who could tell?" Burrow buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to tuck you!" After he takes her home, Burrow says to the parrot, "You pull that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet." The next night, Burrow brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!" Burrow gon grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank our her Tampon. She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, "I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!" She gets up and sees the parrot in the bowl with his neck sliced open. She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?" The parrot lifts his wing, points at her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a gash like that, I can live with a gash like this." please follow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling A mother and her daughter are walking along the beach. The girl says, "Mom, do you think I'm old enough to start douching?" Her mother says, "Why don't you ask one of the seagulls that are following you?" ***it** www.jokeland.com for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-seven years of free jokes! and dial (516) 922-WINE ... (516) 922-9463 not a pay service, just a local call ... 13 EFTA_R1_00108285 EFTA01785872  One morning two bums are walking along in the park when the first bum says, "Man, I gotta take a dump." The other bum says, "Well, do it right here. There's nobody around, it's early." The first bum says, "You think so? Right here?" The other bum says, "Yeah." So he figures he will, because it helps the joke. He pulls down his pants and squats down ... All of a sudden, he hears, "Clop clop clop ... clop clop clop ..." He listens again, and he hears, "Clop clop clop ... clop clop clop ..." He says, "Hey, man, you hear that?" The other bum says, "Hear what?" He says, "Listen." "Clop clop clop ... clop clop clop ..." The second bum says, "Man, how long's it been since you ate?" The first bum says, "About three weeks." The second bum says, "That's your asshole nibbling on the grass." I hope you enjoyed this month's jokes ... if you didn't, why don't you go gargle with a jellyfish? You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please send an e-mail to [email protected] cmailto:[email protected]> with the word "unlist" in the subject line. thanks, a JokeLand E-Mail JokeLand Inc. Box 58 Bayville, NY 11709 USA This email was sent by JokeLand, Inc., located at Box 58, Bayville, NY 11709 (USA). You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please click here or reply to this email with "unlist" in the Subject line. color 000000 date-last-viewed 0 date-received 1479510093 flags 8590195841 gmail-label-ids 2 remote-id 662939 14 EFTA_R1_00108286 EFTA01785873