Ben After Dark: Make America Grapple Again

[00:00:00] Well, well, well. Happy 66th birthday, [00:00:02] Prince Andrew. Though it would have been [00:00:04] more fitting on his 69th, it seems early [00:00:06] Thursday morning as he was getting ready [00:00:07] to celebrate. After weeks of us having [00:00:09] to stare at that weird picture of him [00:00:11] hovering over what could only assume was [00:00:13] a Jeffrey Epstein victim, Andrew [00:00:15] Mountbatten Windsor was arrested on [00:00:16] suspicion of misconduct in public [00:00:18] office. The royal family hasn't been [00:00:19] this embarrassed since Prince Harry, [00:00:21] dressed as Nick Fentes for Halloween. [00:00:24] Andrew, who has denied any wrongdoing in [00:00:26] his friendship with Epstein, was already [00:00:28] stripped of his royal titles last year, [00:00:29] which explains the odd crown he's been [00:00:31] wearing ever since. Some people just [00:00:33] have a hard time admitting when they've [00:00:34] fallen from grace. [00:00:35] >> Oh no. [00:00:37] And I assume this opens me up to jester [00:00:40] and dip wads yelling that I denied an [00:00:41] Epstein list ever existed. And again, [00:00:43] for those in the back, I am still right. [00:00:45] There is no actual list. There's not [00:00:47] like a black book. Jeffrey Epstein [00:00:49] wasn't Santa Claus. And thank God he [00:00:50] wasn't because I can't think of a job [00:00:52] with easier access to kids. I just want [00:00:54] to see and I've always said I'd need to [00:00:56] see evidence of what the crimes are and [00:00:59] then if the crimes exist then we should [00:01:00] arrest all the degenerates and throw [00:01:02] them into prison or you know hang them. [00:01:04] Otherwise we're just playing CSI [00:01:06] redacted screenshot. Meanwhile, [00:01:08] everyone's favorite horny tech pioneer [00:01:10] Bill Gates pulled out of delivering a [00:01:11] keynote speech at an AI summit in India [00:01:13] as he continues to face scrutiny over [00:01:15] his ties to the scandal. So, it does [00:01:17] appear much like the herpes you [00:01:18] allegedly gave to your wife and then [00:01:20] secretly allegedly tried to dose away [00:01:22] with treatment when she was allegedly [00:01:24] not looking, friendships with Jeffrey [00:01:25] Epstein never actually go away. What's [00:01:28] with these Bills secretly playing [00:01:30] doctor? [00:01:33] In entertainment news this past week, [00:01:34] Netflix's number one documentary series [00:01:36] was Reality Check Inside America's Next [00:01:39] Top Model, which also might be about [00:01:41] surgery or something else. Anyway, it's [00:01:43] a deep dive into the problematic nature [00:01:45] of Tyra Banks's longrunning competition [00:01:47] program and cultural phenomenon which [00:01:49] ran from 2003 to 2018 where young women [00:01:52] took part in small games for a chance at [00:01:54] a professional modeling career. I never [00:01:56] watched the show because I'm a straight [00:01:57] man, but I assume they competed in model [00:01:59] related games like stop eating for weeks [00:02:01] to lose weight and avoid the handsy [00:02:03] touch of Alec Baldwin at a movie [00:02:04] premiere. It seems viewers and pop [00:02:06] culture historians now find the show [00:02:08] offensive, setting one photo shoot where [00:02:10] contestants were made up to look like [00:02:11] different races and another where one [00:02:13] model hopeful whose mother had been shot [00:02:15] and paralyzed was forced to pose as a [00:02:17] gunshot victim. Honestly, kind of sounds [00:02:19] amazing. How did I possibly miss this? [00:02:22] Can we reboot it for Daily Wire Plus? [00:02:24] Would you guys watch it? Tara Banks, who [00:02:26] hosted an executive produced Top Model, [00:02:28] appears in the three episode series, [00:02:30] hoping to set the record straight, but [00:02:32] in the process completely ignores an [00:02:33] explanation as to why she is scared of [00:02:35] dolphins. [00:02:42] It was shortly after that that Tyra [00:02:44] Banks lost her left foot in a tragic [00:02:45] dolphin accident. [00:02:50] As punishment for this top model stuff, [00:02:52] someone should clockwork orange her eyes [00:02:54] and make her watch free willie. Fair [00:02:56] trade. That's not even the best Tyra [00:02:58] Banks clip. The best Tyra Banks clip is [00:03:00] this one. [00:03:02] YOU GET VASELINE. YOU GET VASELINE. And [00:03:05] you get Vaseline. You get [00:03:08] >> that is a lady who really likes Vaseline [00:03:10] and also whose constituents love [00:03:13] Vaseline. How she was never a [00:03:15] spokeswoman for Vaseline, I don't [00:03:16] understand. That is like that is made to [00:03:18] order. That is like an ad made. Anyway, [00:03:20] Top Model never really launched a career [00:03:21] into orbit, but it did end up giving [00:03:23] countless young girls eating disorders [00:03:24] and creating thousands of memes, [00:03:26] including this favorite that we like to [00:03:27] use for Liz Cheney. Hilariously, the [00:03:30] directors of this expose also worked on [00:03:31] another popular doc series, American [00:03:34] Manhunt, Osama bin Laden, which sounds a [00:03:36] little funny, but when you think about [00:03:37] it, it makes sense. Both are about [00:03:39] iconic terrorists who, you know, thrived [00:03:42] on the starvation of others and also [00:03:44] maybe lived in less than stellar [00:03:46] conditions. Both subjects celebrated [00:03:48] treating women like foreign objects [00:03:49] while looking down on them and choosing [00:03:51] which to banish forever. And finally, [00:03:52] both include runway coach Miss J. [00:03:54] Alexander. [00:03:56] >> I love him. [00:03:57] >> Wow, I really have to watch this Bin [00:03:59] Laden doc. Anyway, the success of the [00:04:01] Top Model deep dive gives me hope for [00:04:03] the real reality check. I want to see an [00:04:05] expose of Pimp My Ride. [00:04:07] >> I don't really believe they put a snow [00:04:08] cone machine in that Toyota. [00:04:12] Oh, [00:04:12] >> your own snow cone machine maker. [00:04:17] >> Why would they do that? [00:04:19] >> It's ice cube. [00:04:20] >> Why' you put a snow cone machine in your [00:04:22] Toyota? Like, of all the things you can [00:04:23] put in your Toyota, why would you [00:04:24] possibly [00:04:24] >> thought you were a businessman? [00:04:26] >> We'll get to more of whatever the hell [00:04:28] this is in just one second. First, [00:04:29] finding the right mattress does not have [00:04:31] to be a complicated issue. Our sponsor, [00:04:33] Helix, makes it super straightforward [00:04:35] with their sleep quiz that matches you [00:04:36] to the perfect mattress based on your [00:04:38] specific preferences and sleep needs. [00:04:40] They're not just another mattress [00:04:41] company either. Helix is the most [00:04:42] awarded mattress brand out there with [00:04:44] glowing reviews from major publications [00:04:45] like Forbes and Wired. Folks, it's not [00:04:48] just marketing hype. A study they [00:04:49] conducted found that 82% of participants [00:04:51] actually saw an increase in deep sleep [00:04:53] cycle while sleeping on that Helix [00:04:54] mattress. 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That's [00:05:28] helixleep.com/benhelixleep.com/ben. [00:05:32] While we're on the subject of watching [00:05:33] women fail, it was announced yesterday [00:05:35] that ESPN has finally picked a [00:05:36] replacement for their flagship Sunday [00:05:38] night programming. Last year, the [00:05:40] channel decided to rework its previous [00:05:41] rights deal with Major League Baseball [00:05:43] and cancel the weekly mainstay known as [00:05:45] Sunday Night Baseball for the past 35 [00:05:46] years. And so, with pressure mounting on [00:05:49] the already prehistoric notion of cable [00:05:50] TV, what did those always dependable [00:05:52] Disney execs decide was the worthy [00:05:55] successor? Let me introduce you to [00:05:57] Women's Sports Sundays. This isn't just [00:05:59] an oxymoron. It's a plan to run nine [00:06:01] weeks of a program block that will [00:06:02] feature matchups from the WNBA and the [00:06:05] WNSL, which for 90% of America, I need [00:06:08] to explain, it stands for the National [00:06:09] Women's Soccer League. Don't worry, I [00:06:12] did have to look that one up. If you [00:06:13] listen closely, you can hear Matt Walsh [00:06:15] screaming. [00:06:18] Instead of the New York Yankees and the [00:06:20] Los Angeles Dodgers, you will end your [00:06:22] weekends with teams like the Orlando [00:06:23] Pride and the North Carolina Courage. [00:06:26] Those aren't franchises, those are [00:06:27] parades. I acknowledge that interest has [00:06:29] surged in women's sports over the past [00:06:31] decade. But when you start at zero, you [00:06:33] can only surge. It's like when people [00:06:35] say that their bank account is up 300% [00:06:37] because they found three bucks in a [00:06:39] winter coat. This shift will mark one of [00:06:41] the largest investments in women's [00:06:42] sports since Nike sponsored Jana Man. [00:06:45] Also, keep in mind back in 2023, the [00:06:47] channel tested an 11 p.m. version of [00:06:49] Sports Center that was anchored and [00:06:50] produced solely by women, focusing [00:06:52] heavily on women's sports. And those [00:06:54] ratings were so bad they contemplated [00:06:56] replacing it with another experimental [00:06:57] show called Stephen A Yells at Animals. [00:07:00] Again, Woodwash, love me some Stephen A. [00:07:03] With a new Disney initiative called [00:07:04] Level Up, the block is supposedly [00:07:06] guaranteed to get ad dollars in creative [00:07:08] marketing plans from companies hoping to [00:07:10] look woke and progressive. But you know [00:07:11] what? It won't have slam dunks or [00:07:14] viewers or Michael Jordan weirdly [00:07:16] tapping a child on the butt. [00:07:17] >> This is a weird clip. I'm not going to [00:07:19] lie. [00:07:20] Okay, somehow I've become a women's [00:07:23] sports fan because of Michael Jordan. [00:07:25] How? At least Lady Ballers could finally [00:07:27] feature on ESPN. And now, a new feature [00:07:30] brought to you by our friends at Helix. [00:07:31] Here are some stories you slept on. This [00:07:33] past week, a pair of Michigan men [00:07:34] officially set a new Guinness World [00:07:36] Record for the longest marathon session [00:07:38] of pickle ball, miraculously completing [00:07:40] a 28-hour game. For reference, that's [00:07:42] only 3 hours longer than Bill Clinton [00:07:44] was on the phone with his publicist [00:07:45] yesterday. Brad Havampamp and Caleb Deng [00:07:48] of Grand Rapids were allowed just 5 [00:07:49] minutes each hour to sip water, use the [00:07:51] restroom, or reflect on what went wrong [00:07:53] in their lives. Deng told reporters, "I [00:07:56] think at a certain point your brain just [00:07:57] shuts off and you're on autopilot." [00:07:58] Which coincidentally is also a direct [00:08:00] quote from Joe Biden. How old were these [00:08:02] guys? Because also like a basic pickle [00:08:04] ball game between two 80-year-olds, I [00:08:06] live in Florida. That's like 4 hours. [00:08:08] Elsewhere, AJ Scaramucci, son of former [00:08:10] Trump associate Anthony Scaramucci, is [00:08:13] doing his best to make the family brand [00:08:14] a multigenerational embarrassment. Last [00:08:16] Monday, Lil Scaramucci purchased a rare [00:08:19] Pokémon card from online personality [00:08:20] Logan Paul for a record-breaking 16.5 [00:08:24] million. [00:08:25] When it comes to money laundering, [00:08:27] apparently you need to catch them all. [00:08:28] The Pikachu Illustrator card was one of [00:08:31] just 39 ever produced and is the only [00:08:33] copy to be graded a perfect 10 by [00:08:35] professional sports authenticator. That [00:08:37] means the new owner is guaranteed no [00:08:38] scratches, no bent corners, and no [00:08:40] contact with a woman ever again. Paul [00:08:43] originally purchased the card for just [00:08:44] over $5 million in 2021, now tripling [00:08:47] his investment and doubling his douche [00:08:49] factor. You might be asking, how did [00:08:51] Anthony Scaramucci son get $16.5 million [00:08:53] to spend on a Pokemon card? I I don't [00:08:56] have the answer. I was just I was I was [00:08:58] just asking it. And so should the IRS. [00:09:01] And finally, researchers at the [00:09:02] University of Maryland have unveiled [00:09:03] something called smart underwear, a [00:09:05] small device that can snap onto your [00:09:07] undergarments in order to track and [00:09:08] measure your farts. Lucky for you, they [00:09:12] are searching for volunteers to try them [00:09:14] out. [00:09:15] >> Sign me up. [00:09:16] >> This is so stupid. [00:09:16] >> Just kidding. [00:09:17] >> True story here. A team of scientists [00:09:19] from the school's department of cell [00:09:20] biology and molecular genetics ignored [00:09:23] any altruistic desire to research a cure [00:09:24] for cancer to perfect a device with [00:09:26] electrochemical sensors to track [00:09:28] intestinal gas by recording the release [00:09:30] of hydrogen. And that invention is [00:09:32] already paying for itself. Research [00:09:34] scientists use the technology to [00:09:35] conclude that healthy adults pass gas an [00:09:36] average of 32 times a day. Well, for [00:09:39] Eric Swallow, the answer was infinity [00:09:42] plus one. So now smart underwear finds [00:09:44] itself in the rare untainted air of [00:09:46] other tech wearables. Apple Watch tracks [00:09:48] your steps. Aura tracks your sleep. And [00:09:50] this one tracks why no one comes into [00:09:51] your office.