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[00:00:00] All right, so we took a few months off. [00:00:02] What do we miss? Can't be much, can it? [00:00:04] Well, back in November, a man in [00:00:06] Washington DC was found not guilty of [00:00:08] assaulting a federal officer with the [00:00:10] sandwich. [00:00:12] Weird choice. [00:00:13] >> Well, he finally got juicy mole [00:00:16] sandwich. We missed the annual [00:00:17] announcement from Panton naming the [00:00:19] color of the year. It was cloud dancer [00:00:22] as we had all predicted. George Foreman [00:00:24] died. Clare obscure expedition 33 was [00:00:27] unanimously named game of the year. [00:00:29] Sorry, Arc Raiders. And people [00:00:30] apparently care about gay athletes now. [00:00:33] It's weird that they picked hockey for [00:00:35] that one. Justin Trudeau finally did [00:00:38] something more embarrassing than [00:00:39] blackface. [00:00:40] >> Oh no. [00:00:41] >> Fair. A 45-year-old woman in Carl'sbad, [00:00:44] California, broke a world record by [00:00:45] inserting 711 golf tees into her hair. [00:00:49] >> What? [00:00:51] >> Why? Why? Well, part for the course. And [00:00:55] pennies were cancelled. That's it. Okay, [00:00:57] sounds good. Oh, wait. One more thing. [00:01:03] >> I don't like girls. [00:01:06] >> And men never came from Mr. [00:01:11] >> Oh, yeah. Everything kind of went to [00:01:12] didn't it? But let's focus on a [00:01:14] recent moment that deserves the Ben [00:01:16] after dark treatment. It was the biggest [00:01:17] Spanish concert since that little boy [00:01:19] met dead people. [00:01:20] >> Where should I put my shoes? I'm [00:01:24] You say, "Put them on your head. [00:01:28] He would have been better. Just he he [00:01:30] would have Listen, I'm not going to sit [00:01:31] here and bash everything about the Bad [00:01:33] Bunny halftime show. That would be truly [00:01:35] just out of unwarranted spite. There [00:01:37] were definitely some cool parts. The [00:01:38] production value stellar. He fell [00:01:40] through a roof, but I mean, Lil John did [00:01:42] do that first. [00:01:43] >> TURN DOWN FOR WHAT? [00:01:50] >> The performance looked cinematic. The [00:01:52] setup was cool and visually it was [00:01:54] pretty satisfying. But you know what [00:01:55] else was all those things? Water world. [00:01:58] >> You know, he's like a turd that won't [00:02:00] flush. [00:02:01] >> And the Water World script sucked. It [00:02:03] lacked substance. No one understood it. [00:02:05] The storytelling was confusing. And as a [00:02:06] larger piece of art, it absolutely [00:02:08] bombed Elbamo. Listen, I don't think I [00:02:11] translated that right. But that's my [00:02:13] review of the Bad Bunny Super Bowl [00:02:14] performance. Just because famous Latinos [00:02:16] and for some reason Alex Earl, who is as [00:02:19] white as Birkenstocks, joined him on [00:02:20] stage, doesn't make it revolutionary. [00:02:22] And if I followed the story correctly, [00:02:24] if he builds a baseball field in Puerto [00:02:25] Rico, dead players show up. [00:02:32] >> If you build it, he will come. [00:02:35] >> Wow. Two Kevin Cosner references. [00:02:37] >> Someone likes the 80s. [00:02:39] >> Come on, his music is terrible. And [00:02:41] liberals, conservatives, we can all [00:02:43] finally agree on one thing. It was just [00:02:45] heavy breathing into a microphone. It's [00:02:47] not even rapping. As a professional [00:02:48] rapper, I can say that. It's just [00:02:50] rattling off Spanish words during an [00:02:51] asthma attack. [00:03:00] >> Calling this an American halftime show [00:03:02] is like calling Chipotle Mexican [00:03:03] cuisine. And the end was just a [00:03:06] geography lesson of the Western [00:03:07] Hemisphere wrapped in a slogan for [00:03:08] kindness. [00:03:15] Paraguay, Bolivia, Peru, Brazil, [00:03:19] Colombia, Venezuela, [00:03:20] >> they could have gotten that with $160 [00:03:22] cameo from Mr. Feny. [00:03:24] >> I think education is vital to our [00:03:28] society [00:03:29] and it can be a very gratifying [00:03:32] profession. [00:03:33] >> That's That's John Adams. [00:03:36] >> He is. You will always be John Adams, [00:03:38] not Mr. Phoenic. Bad Bunny's music has [00:03:40] no melody, no actual rhythm. It's just [00:03:42] continuous base. Like a terrible hotel [00:03:44] you booked without knowing it had a [00:03:45] nightclub downstairs. Some things I can [00:03:47] just admit I'm too old for. But this, I [00:03:49] just have good taste. I'm not Maddy's [00:03:51] Puerto Rican. I mean, I like Puerto [00:03:53] Ricans. I'm Matty makes awful music. I [00:03:55] haven't heard something that tonedeaf [00:03:56] since Hillary Clinton called Trump [00:03:58] supporters a basket of deplorables. [00:04:00] Listen, if that basket could have [00:04:01] floated to Epstein Island, I know a [00:04:03] deplorable would have boarded it, too. [00:04:06] Don't worry, more on that later. And on [00:04:08] the conservative side of things, we also [00:04:10] need to make some better creative [00:04:11] decisions. We can't just keep sending [00:04:12] Kid Rock out there, man. We cannot. I [00:04:14] assume if we see one more performance [00:04:16] from him, we get a free tote bag. There [00:04:18] are other options, guys. Here's a super [00:04:20] group idea. They're all Trump [00:04:21] supporters. Billy Gibbons on guitar, [00:04:23] System of Downs, John Doyan on drums. [00:04:26] Give Ted Nent the mic, Rob Schneider on [00:04:28] the triangle, and put some Kiss makeup [00:04:30] on Mike Huckabe. You think people would [00:04:31] still watch Bad Bunny with that [00:04:33] alternative nearby? No chance. Let's [00:04:35] shake things up. How about Nicki Minaj? [00:04:37] I see you, girl. She's always been [00:04:39] supportive of my own rap endeavors. And [00:04:41] now she's jumped into the world of [00:04:42] politics. Invite her into the super [00:04:44] group. She can perform Anaconda about [00:04:46] Trump. [00:04:46] >> He referred to my hands. If they're [00:04:48] small, something else must be small. I [00:04:51] guarantee you there's no problem. I [00:04:53] guarantee it. [00:04:54] >> That was a thing that happened in all of [00:04:55] our lives. You remember this? That [00:04:57] actually happened in our lives. And that [00:04:58] man has been president twice. That was a [00:05:00] thing that h that the other guy there is [00:05:01] the secretary of state now. [00:05:02] >> America. [00:05:03] >> I know. It's It's unbelievable. The [00:05:04] point is, Bad Bunny's performance was eh [00:05:07] all smoke and mirrors and musically [00:05:09] lacking in every possible way. That's [00:05:10] why none of you remembered even one of [00:05:12] the songs the next day. And before you [00:05:14] even try, that's a Lady Gaga song you're [00:05:16] thinking about. Also, next time, may I [00:05:18] suggest picking riper fruit from that [00:05:19] field? [00:05:23] >> And yes. [00:05:23] >> Oh my god. [00:05:25] >> Oh well. And yes, I will talk about the [00:05:29] Epstein file. Well, folks, it's [00:05:31] Valentine's Day and so I could do an [00:05:33] amazing transition to a mattress ad [00:05:35] right here. You know, the kind of [00:05:36] transition that you would expect me to [00:05:37] do here on Ben After Dark, but I'm not [00:05:39] going to do that. Instead, I'm just [00:05:40] going to tell you, you need a mattress [00:05:41] to sleep on. 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Exclusions [00:07:49] apply. During the hiatus, I've been [00:07:51] steadily criticized by mouth breathers [00:07:53] and internet gotcha dorks excited to [00:07:55] tell me how I'm now owned for saying [00:07:56] there was no Epstein list. So, here I [00:07:58] am, ready to finally admit it and tell [00:08:00] them exactly what they want to hear. I'm [00:08:02] still right. There isn't a big list in [00:08:06] the Epstein files of people. There are [00:08:09] names in the Epstein files. Clearly, [00:08:12] Epstein files exist. We've all known [00:08:13] this. My argument was never that Jeffrey [00:08:15] Epstein was a good dude. The man had an [00:08:18] island of horror. Marlon Brando would [00:08:19] have seen it and said, "This is too [00:08:20] much." [00:08:23] >> And it is here on this very island [00:08:27] that I, sir, have found the very essence [00:08:30] of the devil. [00:08:30] >> I can't believe that's a thing that also [00:08:32] happened. I've always understood Epstein [00:08:34] Island to be somewhere you would never [00:08:35] find me, like Waffle House at 3:00 a.m. [00:08:37] I've loudly called for the files to be [00:08:38] released for well over a year. I've been [00:08:40] critical of the way the entire situation [00:08:41] has been handled since literally the [00:08:43] first day. I saw better preparation at [00:08:45] Firefest. My argument has always been [00:08:47] and always will be there is no actual [00:08:50] list like on a piece of paper or a black [00:08:52] book of clients. He's not Heidi Flice. [00:08:54] There are now billions of pages of [00:08:55] emails and investigative reports and [00:08:57] even a photo of Winnie the Pooh. [00:09:00] I heard he turned Piglet into jerky. Do [00:09:02] I think every single sexual predator and [00:09:04] child rapist that involve themselves in [00:09:06] the business and personal life of [00:09:07] Jeffrey Epstein should be prosecuted? [00:09:09] Absolutely. Maybe even twice and [00:09:11] executed if possible. But do I think the [00:09:13] answers will ever be so clear-cut and [00:09:15] decipherable that the world's most [00:09:16] adamant conspiracy theorists will be [00:09:18] satisfied? No. And because there's no [00:09:21] list, that's the reason I've said [00:09:22] there's not a list. I know people want a [00:09:25] Ryan Johnson knives out ending when in [00:09:27] reality it's going to be years of [00:09:28] deciphering the messy life of a [00:09:30] despicable human being. But enough about [00:09:32] Steve Bannon. They'll also have to [00:09:34] completely dissect Jeffrey Epstein and [00:09:35] his entire gaggle of criminals. And yes, [00:09:37] I mean everyone in the gaggle. We see [00:09:40] you, Winnie the Pooh. And this week also [00:09:42] marked the start of the 2026 Winter [00:09:44] Olympics in Milan Cortina, which sounds [00:09:46] less and less like a location and more [00:09:48] like every model Leonardo DiCaprio has [00:09:50] ever dated, although it's too old for [00:09:52] him, I think. Norway and Italy have led [00:09:54] the way so far, racking up victories in [00:09:56] sports like ice hockey, figure skating, [00:09:58] luj, and apparently penis injections. [00:10:00] That is correct. This is a real story. [00:10:02] This year, rumors of ski jumpers getting [00:10:04] penis enlarging injections of hyaluronic [00:10:07] acid have run rampant throughout the [00:10:08] games, creating what fans have lovingly [00:10:10] deemed penis gates. Now, that might [00:10:12] sound disgusting at first, but keep in [00:10:14] mind it still has a long way to go [00:10:15] before it gets to pink eye levels of [00:10:17] gross. [00:10:18] >> Oh my god. [00:10:20] >> Yeah. Not not great, Bob. Also, [00:10:24] Inflategate was right there. Now, other [00:10:27] than just creating an impressive unit, [00:10:28] you might be asking yourself, how could [00:10:30] medically increased junk help a [00:10:31] competitive skier? And the obvious [00:10:33] answer is probably overall confidence. [00:10:35] >> Look at those hands. Are they small [00:10:37] hands? [00:10:37] >> But the more detailed response involves [00:10:39] creating a slightly larger, looser, and [00:10:41] more aerodynamic suit. This, in theory, [00:10:42] would create more lift and achieve a [00:10:44] further distance in the air, kind of [00:10:46] like a flying squirrel or something. And [00:10:48] also, since it's so cold there, does it [00:10:50] even really help? This probably just [00:10:52] brings you back to ground zero. It might [00:10:53] bring the turtle out of his shell, if [00:10:55] you know what I'm talking about. But the [00:10:57] truth is, a 2 cm increase in suit size [00:10:59] could potentially add 5 to 6 m to a [00:11:01] jump, maybe even 8 to 9 m if you catch a [00:11:03] quick glimpse at that Sydney Sweeney [00:11:05] jeans commercial. Now, many countries [00:11:07] have called the gossip baseless, but the [00:11:09] World Doping Agency said it will [00:11:10] investigate the claim less to punish [00:11:12] anyone, more for just personal research, [00:11:13] apparently. Also, not since Bill Clinton [00:11:15] had relations with that woman has a [00:11:17] press conference about cheating created [00:11:18] so many headlines. After winning the [00:11:20] bronze medal in the 20 kmter bialon, [00:11:23] Norwegian Stolrid revealed to local [00:11:26] reporters that he cheated on his [00:11:27] girlfriend. Some athletes announced [00:11:29] they're going to Disneyland. This guy [00:11:30] booked his tickets to the doghouse. [00:11:37] Legit explained how the digression [00:11:38] negatively affected his performance, [00:11:40] which sure feels like a roundabout way [00:11:41] to blame your girlfriend for [00:11:42] underperforming. But in the end, he did [00:11:44] express his desire to repair the [00:11:46] relationship. That is, if she'd take [00:11:47] back a shitty bronze medalist. He [00:11:49] apologized not only to his ex, but also [00:11:51] to the events gold medalist, whose [00:11:53] victory was outshonown by the episode of [00:11:55] Mory he had created. After the press [00:11:57] conference, he slithered back into the [00:11:59] locker room and requested a penis [00:12:00] injection. And in just the first week of [00:12:02] the games, it's not just the [00:12:03] relationships falling apart. It's also [00:12:05] the trophies. At least six athletes from [00:12:07] countries like the United States and [00:12:08] Sweden have reported their medals as [00:12:10] broken. But for now, we'll just stand by [00:12:12] and watch the rest of the games, [00:12:14] pretending we understand what curling [00:12:15] is. And if anything exciting happens, I [00:12:17] can promise you this. We will let you [00:12:18] know on Ben After Dark.